Barking up the right tree?

No matter how much we think we know someone, there are always surprises. Some of these surprises are good, as in a tender heart showing up where one thought there wasn’t any tenderness at all. This reminds me of a good friend. Many people are intimidated by him, others just put off by his loud bark. Some people wonder why his wife puts up with him ... what she sees in her noisy yapper. Those who’ve taken the time to scratch beneath the surface (or his belly) know that his bark is worse than his bite. This man constantly surprises me with his sentimental side, which is something that he desperately tries to hide from others. I caught him crying at the end of a movie one day and he tried to blame it on “allergies.” We both knew he was barking at the moon, but I didn’t call him on it, as his bark is important to him. It’s taken me a few years to realize that his bark isn’t so bad. It’s certainly predictable and he really hasn’t a bite at all. He’s generous and caring, even if he doesn’t wear it on his sleeve. This is one of those good surprises. Other surprises are not so good. They can rock our worlds and change what we thought was true, what we thought was solid — what we thought we could count on, rain or shine.

Recently, while telling me of her separation from her husband of over 30 years, a friend told me that she never thought she would work so hard to get to a place she didn’t want to be. I never saw this coming, and more importantly, nor did she. That was her point. She was married to someone she didn’t know, but thought she did. She lived a life that was full of secrets, lies and deceit ... whereas she thought she lived a life of truth and honesty. It seems that many people banded together over the years to keep the truth hidden from her — for “her sake.” How ironic that they “spared” her for thirty years while she built a life with this man ... and then one day they decided that it was time for her to know the truth about her husband — that he was a chronic womanizer, and had been for years. As this friend looks backwards, trying to identify the road signs she missed, or misread, all she comes up with are memories of a seemingly normal, happy family. There are mental snapshots of backyard barbecues, the birth of their children, and the ensuing milestones that show her where she’s been, but not where she’s going.

As I write this, I’m not sure of my point, only that I feel compelled to write about this woman of grace and character. The devastation of her situation is very real. Her hurt and shock at the magnitude of betrayal her husband, family and friends have dealt her (in the guise of “sparing” her feelings) is a 10.1 on the Richter Scale. One might expect her to crumble, sink into depression and lock herself away until the numbness overtakes her body and mind and she can hurt no more. One might expect her anger at the situation to cloud her vision. Another person in her situation might want to exact revenge — allowing his or her emotion to color their perspective, which could adversely affect their immediate future and beyond. In other words, take a bad situation and make it worse.

I’m sure there are dark hours of hurt, anger and depression, but this woman is steadfastly carting her trash to the curb piece by piece. She is overwhelmed at the amount of garbage she’s collected. The lies and deceit masked the odor and a lot of trash accumulated in the guise of a happy, content and secure life.

This woman will be going back to work full-time. She is actually coming out of retirement. She is on a mission to rediscover who she is, while she resolves not to dwell on who she was. Sure, she needs some more answers so that she can move forward, but she will not spend every moment dissecting the past. This is not denial. This shows amazing strength and fortitude.

As my friend gathers a few mementos from her home of so many years (she’s the one moving — and to another state), she has no idea what she should take on her journey. Everything she picks up has a different meaning than it once did. This intelligent woman wonders how she could have lived with someone for so long and not have seen his true colors — not once. I offer this in explanation: When it comes to affairs of the heart, there is very little gray matter involved. Some people say that heart wants what the heart wants. I say that the heart sees what the heart sees.

As this woman of amazing grace heads off to start another chapter — all her own — and all on her own, she wonders how to insure that this never happens again — that she never lets her heart cloud her vision as it has for the past 30 years. I think of silent dogs. I think of her old deceitful, lying cheat of a dog who never barked once. Then it hits me — something I’ve never considered before, something that opens my eyes to new vistas. I pick up the phone to call her. I need to warn her. I need to tell her that just because a dog doesn’t bark, doesn’t mean he won’t bite. These silent dogs might be more dangerous than the noisy ones. I also need to tell her about the barkers. Once we get to know them, they’re not all bad. In fact, they just might be barking up the right tree after all.

Dedicated to BS: Beware the silence of the dogs. It can be deafening. Also, remember to cart that garbage out to the curb weekly. The trash man cometh — and the trash man taketh away!

© 2006 Teresa G. Franta