Can I watch?

(Not to disappoint, but I'm talking about pets here. But read on...you'll get to the "sexy" stuff soon enough. I'm looking forward to your comments!)

I bet that every pet owner has wondered what their pet does when no one is home. Some have installed cameras on their home and office computers to keep an eye on their pets while at work. I have one friend who still uses an old-fashioned answering machine instead of voicemail. She leaves four or five messages a day so that her golden lab "Sam" won’t miss her too much. Heaven forbid anything happens to that answering machine, because the dog has grown quite attached. At night, when my friend arrives home, the leash is waiting right next to the phone—where her dog put it. Cute.

Remember the dog you grew up with? You know—the one that was in the yard all day and in the garage at night. Your parents never allowed him in the house, much less on the sofa. What about the cat? She was out carousing all night long, and her business was her business. Did they even have litter boxes back then? Those days are long gone. Not only have times changed in how we treat our pets, the maintenance of pets has become big business. How much did you spend on Spot last month?

It’s no secret to the rest of the world—a mystery, but no secret—that Americans are pretty darn devoted to their pets. We can’t get enough of their unconditional love. Many studies show that people with pets are happier than the petless population. They tend to be less stressed, and in some cases may even live longer. This is a good thing. But I wonder, when is too much of a good thing too much? Did these studies consider all of the living habits of the pets and their owners? Or does the end justify the means? Where should we draw the line?

Our little “almost-humans” can sometimes take the place of children who were never born, children who’ve left the nest, or the loss (or lack) of a companion. They may even be “practice kids.” Whatever the reason for having a pet, we’ve made a permanent place for them in every part of our lives—and it’s rarely in a dog house. They watch TV with us, exercise with us, go on trips with us, eat with us, and yes, sleep with us. Ok, I admit it; I too am guilty of all of the above. But there is one place I draw the line. NO WATCHING ALLOWED!

You know exactly what I’m talking about. And I won’t just say “in the bedroom,” because what I’m talking about is hopefully not contained to only one area in your home—or just in your home for that matter. I am talking about having sex in front of your pet. Voyeurism, if you will. If your pet is a fish, you have no worries. The rest of you might want to read on—letting your pets watch can be risky business.

A friend recently brought up that she and her husband were just “heating up” when she looked up and saw her 6-month old puppy sitting in the doorway watching intently. She said she couldn’t concentrate because she thought that they might end up traumatizing (her word) the dog. So they closed the door. Good for her, but I have to admit that the word traumatize did peak my interest. Before I could follow-up on it though, another friend piped in that while her husband would flat-out deny it, her dog had actually licked her husband in “an interesting place” when he got up from bed to go to the bathroom after they were finished. True story. I’ll never be able to look at her dog (or her husband) the same way ever again. Finally, a single friend spoke up. It seems that she had dated a guy for a year or so who had an African Macaw. This parrot was smart and loud. One evening they had some friends over and the bird was quite entertaining. He was making a lot of unusual new noises. My friend thought the noises sounded familiar, but it took her a few minutes before she realized how familiar—and intimate— they were. She realized that the bird was parroting her from one (or more) of her play-dates with the boyfriend. My friend is no longer dating the "bird" man, but the parrot is still around, and will be for another sixty years or so. And they have long memories. It seems that the bird got such a reaction from his little improv routine, that he practices it daily. This is more than I can say for my friend. She became so self-conscious that she shared with us that she no longer lets herself go with such abandon. What a shame—and to think, all she had to do was close the door. See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.

So let’s go crazy with our pets—but not too crazy. Spoil them, love them, scrub them, and pet them. But please, let’s draw the line at letting them watch our heavy petting.

© 2005 Teresa G. Franta

Must give credit where credit is due...thank you to Annie the dog, Fred II the fish, Koa the Macaw, and gray cat standing!!