Please...keep the change.

How many times have you heard someone say, “I thought I could change him” or, “I thought she would change?” Trying to change people seems to be a national pastime. I say “trying,” because that’s all it is…an attempt, which is generally unsuccessful. I remember a friend in college who was convinced that she could change a gay friend of ours—if he would just have sex with her. Just like that, she believed that she had the power to change his sexuality. So confident (and relentless) in her quest was she, that our gay friend transferred to another college—without putting her theory to test, and without leaving a forwarding address. Hmmm…I wonder why?

Think about it. How many success stories have you heard? Sure, you may get your significant other to wear the clothes you pick out, including those stylish Italian loafers. But isn’t this just window dressing? The same old model with a new coat of wax? When the wax wears off, and you’re not around, I’m betting the window dressing stays in the closet and those ratty shoes and torn jeans take center stage.

So why then do we try to change other people? I had a boyfriend who unsuccessfully tried to change me once. He gave me a Coach bag for my birthday. I thought it was great—until he informed me that he purchased the largest bag available so that I would be more organized. Not could, but would. It seems that he had actually looked in my old purse (which is another matter entirely). The Coach bag is now considered retro—and it’s still new in the box. Like a leopard, I held on to my original, unorganized spots...and let go of the boyfriend.

You can't force change. It happens at its own pace. It’s a natural progression. Seasons change, the time changes, and exchange rates change. People do not usually change at the will of others. Perhaps my purse is more organized today than it was back then, but it has nothing to do with someone showing me the error of my ways. It has to do with my state of mind—and the fact that I reported a credit card lost, which I found two months later at the bottom of my not-so-organized purse. Like I said…natural progression.

Then there are the "Popeyes." You know, using the old "I yam what I yam" line to get away with everything. At a small dinner party recently, a friend announced that he left a note on his wife's pillow that morning. Evidently, she was mad about something he had done the night before. He wouldn’t share "the deed," and his wife was in the powder room. But what this friend wanted to share with everyone—what he was so proud of—was what he wrote on this note. Was it an apology to his wife for his actions? No. Was it an explanation? Well, of sorts. The note said, “I am not perfect. I never have been perfect. You know this, so why do you expect me to be perfect now?” I guess he gave her a “perfectly” valid explanation for his actions and I'm sure this is why he is currently sleeping on their “perfectly” comfortable sofa instead of in their "perfectly" comfortable bed. Note to “not-so-perfect” husband: Nobody really expects perfection, so don’t be so proud of your not-so-perfect status…it’s a little creepy.

I suppose this subject is on my mind because any day now I expect to hear from a good friend that he and his girlfriend broke up. Why? Because “she tried to change him.” This friend knows that his girlfriend doesn’t like the way he dresses, how much he drinks, or his beautiful collection of antique furniture. But...he thinks that just because his girlfriend doesn’t nag him (his words), that she loves him as he is…and doesn’t expect him to change. I know better. She’s simply biding her time. Bide. Bide. Bide. Eventually, she’ll make her move. Bit by bit she’ll try to make little changes that won’t set off any alarms. It won’t work. First comes the smoke, then the three-alarm fire. Only then, will my antique-loving, Jack Daniels-sipping, comfortably-dressed friend change. Not his clothes, not his drinking habits, and certainly not his décor. He’ll simply change girlfriends! Then, she’ll call me up and say, “I don’t know what happened, I love him so much, and I really thought I could change him.” Then he’ll call me up and say, “Hey, I’ve met a new girl. Let’s get together for a few drinks. Dress casual—jeans, sweats, and let’s do it at my place. I have a new antique chest I want to show you.” Yes, I foresee only one change here—the name of his new girl. For her sake, I hope she's into antiques.

Isn't it time to accept that what we see is generally what we get. Maybe we can put this "changing people" thing to bed for good. I propose a written declaration. One that says something like this… “If I, (your name here), ever pursue a relationship with the premise that I can and will change the other person to be more to my liking, then I deserve what I get. My bad, my bed, I’ll lie in it. Furthermore, I promise that I will never, ever, under any circumstance call up my friends and say, ‘I thought I could change him’ or ‘her.’” Why? Because you can’t. Just like Popeye, he is who he is. If Olive Oyl couldn’t change him after all these years, what makes you think that you can? For that matter, Ms. Oyl doesn't appear to have changed much either.

So gals (and guys), the moral of this story is to always look smart. If you need new glasses, get them, don’t ever wear tinted glasses inside, always keep your glasses clean, and finally, don’t ever stare into the sun. If it is true that "what we see is what we get," let’s make darn sure that we “see” what we’re getting…and getting into. Oh, I almost forgot—always give your eyes a chance to "settle in." Looks can be deceiving, actions too...especially for the first six months. And if you accidentally (or otherwise) hook-up with a toad—with no metamorphosis in sight—you know know the rules. Your bed and your bad...or should I say your lily pad!

© 2005 Teresa G. Franta

Ribbitt: note to my husband. This doesn't mean you can dress the way you want every day. Let's compromise. 60/40...guess who gets the 60? Here's a hint...it's not you!