Put on a happy fake...I mean face!

Let's face it, we've all been in situations where we're supposed to be either happy or sad for a good friend...and the feelings just aren't there. So what do we do? Do we pretend or dare I say fake it? I'm talking about joyous occasions, like weddings and babies—or tragic situations like divorce and death. The major, momentous events—milestones on the everyday path of life. Consider this: Just because it makes us feel better to say something, do we really need to say it? And is it okay to fake it if our intentions are good?

When faced with the announcement of a significant event from a good friend, the golden rules of friendship dictate that we act and react a certain way. It's much the same as the little white lies we tell everyday to people we hardly know. Like, "I love your new hair color," when in fact we don’t. Or "I’ve never seen a cuter baby," when in fact we've seen a lot of cuter babies. We've all done it. We're all guilty. Or are we? Guilty, I mean. The word guilty implies that we've done something morally wrong. Have we? Maybe we've just done the right thing...taken the high road. Why hurt someone's feelings unnecessarily. Take me for instance. I'm known for being honest and direct with my friends. But there are times when even I bite my tongue. And no, as all of my friends dutifully read and critique my columns, I won’t elaborate here.

Weddings are a good example. When a good friend announces that she is getting married, you may not be truly happy for her for a myriad of reasons. Maybe the thought of being a bridesmaid again (and possibly never a bride) has you down. Perhaps it's just the thought of having to throw another bridal luncheon you dread. Or maybe you're just afraid of losing your best friend. Should you keep these thoughts to yourself? Or should you speak up? Unless your friend is about to unknowingly marry an axe murderer (and you know she is not), I suggest that you choose your words wisely. Will it make your best friend feel better to know that her special day is a big "pain in the ass bummer" for you? Make sure that you have her best interest at heart and not your own. Especially if you want to be a part of her life after she's married.

Let's say that a good friend announces that she's pregnant again and is hoping for a boy. She's very excited and happy. You're not. You're thinking about how much she already complains of exhaustion from running after her two little girls. Plus, all of the dirty diapers and sleepless nights she went through the last time around. Then there's that weight she hasn't lost yet. What do you say? Are you going to rain on her parade? As a caring friend you have an obligation to be honest. But maybe this is not an honesty issue. Maybe you are suffering from what I call the "long memory syndrome." This involves our memories being much longer than our friend's memories. For some reason we tend to forget, or gloss over, the details of our own lives, yet we have an uncanny knack for storing away the details of our friends' lives. This is also called self-justification: Making excuses for our life choices—but not for our friends' life choices. Remember, this is her life, not yours. And just because a friend grouses occasionally, doesn't mean it's a permanent situation. Maybe she's just having a bad day. If she forgets, shouldn't you? Besides, life has a way of working itself out. Did I hear someone say nanny?

The "long memory syndrome" also applies to family...especially mom and dad. I have several friends who've told their mother or father (sister or brother) about problems in their relationships throughout the years. And much the same as our good friends, family members also tend to have very long memories...and they rarely hesitate to speak up. They also hold grudges. Once you tell your parents something, you can never forget. You see, many relationship problems can be fixed, and then you move on. But it's difficult to move on when others not only remember the bad, but bring it up over and over again, year after year after year.

Sad news can also take us by surprise. Perhaps you're distraught over the death of your family dog. It was your husband's dog before you married. You always complained that you had to feed him, cleanup after him, and that he took up most of bed, snored all night and tracked dirt in from the backyard every day (note: the word "dog" is interchangeable here). Do you really want your friends to remind you about all of your complaints? You already feel guilty. Besides, you really did love the little beast. Your grief is real. So what should your friends say? Should they remind you that your dog used to get hair all over everybody, and impolitely stick his nose where he shouldn't? Of course not. You want them to reach out and fake it...unless of course, it isn't really the dog that we're talking about and a lot more than nose-sticking was going on.

Perhaps this subject is on my mind because 'tis the season for faking...I mean giving and receiving. Have you been practicing your happy face? How many gifts have you received that you've said you really, really liked, when in fact you don't. How many gifts have you received that you immediately think about re-gifting, or taking to the "white elephant" party? How many gifts have you received that you already have one or two of the same stashed away in a closet or under a bed? Do you accept these gifts graciously, or do you speak up and tell the truth? I'm betting you fake it. Why? Because it's the thought that counts, and you have good manners.

Please don't think that I'm giving you carte blanche to forgo the truth. There's a lot to be said about the virtue of honesty. For the most part, it is the best policy; but not if it means being unnecessarily cruel or petty…and certainly not if it's purely for selfish reasons. We all have high and low points that we share with our friends. Most of the time these friends are appropriately happy (or sad) for us. But sometimes (just like you and I), they fake it. This doesn't mean they've taken the easy way out. Ask any woman and she’ll tell you—faking it is hard work. And don't think that I'm suggesting we surround ourselves with fake friends. Just because you fake it a time or two, doesn't necessarily make you a fake…and it doesn't mean that you always fake it, no matter what my husband says. Besides, if you're really good at it, they'll never know. And what they don't know….

You get my point. It's a sharp one. Use it carefully and sparingly.

Postscript: Happy Holidays to you all - and here's to taking the high road. Oh, and by the way, I really, really love all of my gifts! Really, I do. Ciao, Teri

© 2005 Teresa G.Franta