Did she really say that? Out loud?

I have one friend ("Kelly") who consistently says the most amazing things...and gets away with it. Whether she meant what she said or not, she gets a pass. Not me. One slip of the tongue and everyone assumes that I meant exactly what I said, exactly how I said it. I like to think my slip-ups are rare, but if not, I have plenty of friends who'll set me straight. Generally, I do mean what I say, so if I happen to slip-up, no one ever believes that I didn't mean it the way it came out...or the way it sounded. Thus, I have lost a few friends along the way. Kelly makes these could-be-construed-as nasty or insulting comments all the time. After any of these so-called slip-ups, someone invariably says, "Let it go, that's just Kelly being Kelly. You know she didn't mean it like that."

But how do we know she didn't mean it like that? How do we know she wasn't insulting my taste, and my favorite Donald Pliners, when she said, "You're not taking those shoes to Italy are you?" I'm a fair person, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps she was sincerely worried about the health of my feet hobbling along uneven cobblestones for seven days. On the other hand, maybe she just hates my shoes. Either way, my point (and I do have one) is that some people, like Kelly, get a pass. Others, like me, are in the don't pass line.

There are many "Kellys" in the world who say things that most of us never could (nor would) say out loud. Like Kelly, they get a pass. Why do we make allowances for these consistently "don't mean what they say" people? What if they do mean what they say? Perhaps these slip-ups aren't slip-ups at all. They could be as Freud believed; verbal mistakes that are thought to reveal unconscious beliefs, thoughts, or emotions. Let's take this a step further. What if they aren't Freudian at all, but said purposely? Those who make these comments might just mean exactly what they say, exactly the way it sounds. How do we know? Like the time Kelly told my petite size four friend, "You look great, did you lose some weight?" It's a wonder this friend didn't turn anorexic. Not to worry. We all told her... "Let it go, that's just Kelly being Kelly. You know she didn't mean it like that." Another time, after losing some weight herself, Kelly gave our Brazilian friend some of her work clothes (as they no longer fit). This was a nice gesture, until Kelly followed up with, "I'm glad someone can use them. After all, I'll never be that size again." Ouch. Whether or not Kelly meant what she said (or implied), the result was that Brazil got mad. Then got even. She started tending her "garden" obsessively and quickly got into fabulous shape. Brazil is now a very nice, shapely (read sexy, darn her) size six. One could make the argument that all's well that ends well. Not me. I wish Kelly had just gone to the local tailor or made a drop off at Goodwill. We rarely see Brazil anymore, as she's too busy showing off her new assets...and the last time I saw Kelly, it looked as if she had gained back a few of those "I'll never be that size again" pounds.

This little drama has put a kink in our (now broken) circle of friends. You see, Brazil didn't give Kelly the customary pass. Her healthy Latin temperment kicked in. No matter how hard my friends and I tried to persuade Brazil, we couldn't convince her that Kelly didn't mean what her words implied: Kelly was in great shape, and Brazil was not. My fiery Latino friend says she is still bleeding from biting her tongue so hard that she nearly choked...or she nearly choked Kelly. I'm not sure which almost transpired, and I'm glad I wasn't present at the time.

Our little circle of friends, except for Brazil, has continued to make allowances for Kelly's little slip-ups...just as you probably have (or still do) for someone in your life. Why? It's simple. We want to believe that those who make these comments are absent of malice. We want to believe that they don't intend to hurt anyone intentionally — and that they don't really mean what they say, or imply. Most importantly, none of us want to think that we need to lose a little weight, or that our shoes are ugly, unless, of course, we decide it is so...on our own.

I had just resolved to let all of this Kelly business go. To chalk it up to terminal "foot IN mouth" disease. No harm, no foul. After all, my shoes came from Italy, and will go back to Italy...on my feet. Did I hear someone say pedicure? Our petite size four friend has her appetite intact...she didn't succumb to the newest diet fad. Plus, I believe Brazil will come around again, once her "new car smell" dissipates. Then, WHACK! I got hit with another of Kelly's alleged slip-ups, and I'm still smarting from the experience. No, she didn't attack my shoes again. She asked me, in front of seven other dinner guests (male and female), at my home, at my dining room table, and while eating the food I worked all day to prepare... “You're not having seconds, are you?" Hmmm? Perhaps Brazil is onto something. No more free passes. Come to think of it, no more dinner passes either. I don't care if she does make a fabulous salad.

Now I have never been accused of being overly sensitive, but I started to ponder this situation at length. I began to put these strange "Kelly" comments into context and found an interesting pattern. Eventually, I decided there might be times that Kelly does mean what she implies with her alleged little faux pas — that perhaps this is her sneaky way of expressing an opinion. I discuss this with the rest of the "circle" at lunch one day. After each person weighed in with one (or more) "Kelly" story, we unanimously decided that enough is enough. One of us will speak up and tell Kelly to take more time and think before she speaks, and if she has something to say, or an opinion to express, to say it — honestly and directly. No more hiding. You can probably guess who was voted in as spokesperson for the group. That would be me. I tried to get out of it, as I am very direct. I argued that I might not handle this situation with the necessary diplomacy. Regrettably, I lost and the majority prevailed. How shall I do this? Well, I think I just have.

Just in case I haven't been sufficiently direct, let me be perfectly clear on this matter. Kelly, we love you, but you must get treatment immediately for your "foot IN mouth" disease. No more free passes, no more innuendos and no more speaking before you think. Otherwise, we shall have to amputate — either your foot, to keep it from going into your mouth — or my foot to keep it from kicking your tiny little "I'll never be that size again" hiney. Nope, no slip-ups here. I meant exactly what I said...exactly how I said it.

Dedicated to Kelly and Brazil — If the shoe fits, wear it.

You both look great. Now kiss and make-up. Otherwise, my shoes are made for walking...and that's just what they'll do...over each and every cobblestone they encounter in Italy, all by themselves.

© 2006 Teresa G. Franta