If it looks like a duck...

One of my readers recently wondered how to spot a person’s true colors. Her main issue involved people who project their own negative thought process onto us — and into our lives. She asked. “How do you know when to stay and when to walk away?” This interested me, as I have tried several times to write about ridding ourselves of negative influences that invade our space. I’ve never been happy with my results. Dare I say that I always thought that I came across as too “negative.” Sure, I write about taking out the garbage in our lives metaphorically, as in the trash man cometh and the trash man taketh away — but negative influences are sneaky and can be difficult to identify. If we can’t classify something as trash, it’s not easy to throw it away. Plus, not all negativity can be eliminated as easily as some of the other trash we collect. In some cases, the best we can hope for is to recognize a negative influence, then limit our exposure so that it won’t take over our lives.

So, how can we tell if someone is projecting their negativity onto us? How do we know when a negative influence is poisoning our well and causing our outlook, relationships and lives to suffer needlessly? It’s taken me years to figure it out, but I’ve adopted a formula that works pretty well. This is not my formula...it’s been around for years. Some say it’s for the birds. I say that I may be slow with my math at times…but if it looks like a duck, swims like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it’s probably a duck. It may be a migrating duck that I can live without — or it may a non-migrating duck that I have to learn to live with in moderation. A duck is a duck, none-the-less. If we have this knowledge, it's much easier to deal with our ducks, and organize them. One might call this process “getting our ducks in a row.” We can then differentiate between “Bye Bye Birdie” ducks and sitting ducks that are here to stay.

This proven formula is called the “Duck Test.” It applies “analogical reasoning” to identify something unknown by its physical traits. I choose to ignore the anal part of “analogical,” and stick with the logical part of my analogy. Analogical reasoning also involves the use of a metaphor. In this case, I choose birds (specifically ducks) to make my point.

Before I go any further, let me issue a disclaimer. I love birds, so I apologize to any ducks (and duck lovers) that may be offended at my choice in metaphors. I’m constantly amazed at the perseverance and intelligence of birds. They hunt, they gather and they nest. They know where they’re going and they know where they’ve been. Unlike people, they don’t need motivation to live. Birds have an innate survival instinct that carries them through life...and they can fly. This involves taking off, landing and thinking about their flight pattern in advance. Ducks are also resilient. Water rolls off their backs like...well, water on a duck’s back. We have two ducks that return to enjoy our community pool every summer. They don’t mind the chlorine and they don’t mind the people. They also don’t mind holding up traffic while they sleep in the middle of the road on a warm summer afternoon. Impervious comes to mind — they are immovable. Ducks can be immovable and cute — just like negativity in the right light. They also have other commonalities. Ducks and negativity can both can be messy if given free reign. I enjoy the ducks when they return each year, but I don’t encourage them to stay. Others in my hood put out water and food, encouraging them to roost wherever and whenever. If this happens, the ducks get complacent and forget their natural instincts. If negativity is encouraged to stick around, then we get complacent and forget our natural instincts. This is dangerous. Once the roosting process occurs, the mess ensues with the stench not far behind.

So why do we let ducks stay, when we know that they’re ducks? We know it’s not healthy for the ducks to be codependent…and we know it’s not healthy for ourselves to act as enablers. Some people (myself included) have tried to tell themselves that one of their ducks (as in a duck of a friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, family member, or partner) is a swan in the making. This can be risky. “The Ugly Duckling,” is a nice story, but the odds are unlikely that any of our ducks will ever change into swans.

There are many types of ducks in our lives. Some ducks we can live without easily enough. Other ducks are permanent fixtures in our lives. This is where moderation comes into play. Even if we have a duck that is a permanent part of our lives, we don’t have to cater to that duck. We don’t have to feed it, patronize it, or be around it all of the time. I have one friend who has a “mother” of a duck-in-law. This mother duck was always trying to tell my friend how to live her life — or rather lecture her on everything she was doing wrong as a mother and a wife. This mother duck constantly undermined my friend’s authority with her little chicks, and her mate. My friend knew that the mother-in-law was a duck, but she couldn’t just put her at the curb for the trash man to cart away. And this mother duck had no intention of flying south anytime soon. She was complacent. She had been fed, watered and catered to for many years. My friend tried moderating contact with the mother duck with caller I.D. This didn’t work. If the mother duck couldn’t reach her on her home line she then called her cell phone. Then she started showing up unannounced. I thought for a while that my friend would be the one to fly the coop, but she persevered for the sake of her family. She found a way to limit her family's time with the mother duck, and no one was the wiser. She researched some senior events in her community and started attending a few of the activities with the mother duck. The mother duck didn’t want to go at first, but me friend didn’t give up easily. Eventually the mother duck met some other birds (thankfully, not ducks) and her temperament changed for the better. She still has a duck relapse now and then, but since she met a certain distinguished male “Bird” at the senior center, she’s way too busy to be negative, much less project it into my friend’s life. There’s even been talk that the mother duck may fly to Florida with her new bird-friend this winter.

Some ducks need to be encouraged to hit the road or take flight immediately. These are the ducks that we can (and should) live without before they become permanent members of the family and take over our nests. Unfortunately, these ducks tend to stick around like leeches. A single and successful friend of mine had a duck of boyfriend a few years back. He liked to talk and talk and talk. One might say that he was all talk and no show. He's what I call a lame duck. For several years, this friend fooled herself into thinking that a swan would one day appear in her lame duck’s place. Alas, she was wrong. She put up with this duck way too long and they did not live happily ever after. He was controversial, controlling and he constantly put her down so that he could feel better about himself and his shortcomings. He did this in a way that was not obvious to others…and eventually it took its toll on my friend. I admit that it also took me a while to see that Mr. Charm Boy was a lame duck. My vision was obscured because my friend became adept at making excuses for him — and I believed her up to a point. Then one day I saw them walking together in the distance. I saw his waddle clearly. Then I noticed that she had a slight waddle too. Then I knew. This lame duck of a boyfriend had almost (but not quite) beaten her down emotionally and was trying to make her into his lame duck. It wasn’t pretty. It's true that he retained his good looks, but let’s face it chicas...male ducks are a lot more attractive than female ducks. Before this lame duck of a boyfriend could inflict further damage onto my once radiant, positive and secure friend, I decided that it was time for an intervention. How did it work out? Let’s just say that we cooked his goose for good.

Another duck that often flies into our lives is the miserable friend duck. This miserable duck, of course, loves company. I refer to the “chronic” miserable duck here, not a temporarily miserable duck that has just hit a little turbulence and is in need of a friendly face and compassionate ear. How many times have we let a “chronic” miserable duck into our lives, only to have his (or her) negative views become our own? Too many. I call a miserable duck a loon because they’re downright crazy. Beware the miserable loon. They don’t seek true happiness. They just want to be less (or equally as) miserable as others. They actually find happiness in the misery of others. Some of these loons actually gauge their happiness in a relationship upon the unhappiness of other relationships. If we let a miserable loon into our lives, then chances are this quack will try to make us see misery where there wasn’t any before the loon waddled into our lives and “fowled” things up. We must not feed or water these loons. If we let them stick around long enough to roost, then our happiness can fly out the window, never to return.

Finally, I left the best (or worst) for last — the cheating duck. I call this bird a cold duck — emotionally frigid, and uncaring about the consequences of his (or her) actions. The cold duck always has an excuse. They never believe that what is good for the goose is good for the gander. If he (or she) did, they wouldn’t take so many pains to lie and cover their sneaky chicken tracks. My personal feeling is that cold ducks should be separated from the flock and never allowed to roost — or re-roost. They should be branded. They should have their own flock because these birds of a feather should definitely flock together. Leave the innocent, non-cheating birds alone...and let the cold ducks cohabitate, for better or mostly for worse. Sometimes we may encounter a cold duck who talks us into believing his (or her) lies. Sometimes we may not know (only suspect as in 99% sure) that our duck is cold. Either way, I think cold ducks should be put on a spit and roasted. Be sure to capture the juices and baste well. Cold ducks are always tough. They're never genuinely tender.

Well, there you have it. If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it’s probably a duck. The choice is ours as to whether we send our ducks flying, or we limit our time and insulate ourselves from their negativity. Some of us may even choose to let a duck roost and occupy our space indefinitely. If we choose to live with a duck as is, don’t expect too much in return. Don’t go trying to change them. The point of the Duck Test is simple. What you see is usually what you get. I believe there’s a good reason that the children’s game is called duck, duck, goose — not duck, duck, swan.

Postscript: There are a few other ducks that may make a mess of our nests from time to time, including the lucky ducks and the decoys. Seemingly, the lucky ducks haven’t a care in the world. In actuality, many are a mess financially and emotionally and are just waiting for us to take care of them. If you come across a lucky duck, and he (or she) looks to good to be true, be careful, they probably are too good to be true. I think the Decoys are the hardest to spot, as they can represent several species of ducks. I’ve had some experience with one type of decoy who is the best friend of a cold duck. This type of decoy tries to convince us what a great guy (or gal) the lying, cheating cold duck really is. Sometimes it’s the decoy who “sets” us up with the cold duck in the first place. A decoy can also be a duck that looks similar, swims similar and quacks similar to a duck, but just doesn’t seem like a real duck. Beware! Decoys are dangerous. They’re strictly for the birds. Why? Because the birds are much better equipped at spotting the real McCoy. Also, another friend brought up a good point when she came by to preview this week’s article. She noted that sometimes (only sometimes) it may be wise to keep your friends close and your ducks even closer...that it may be better to actually know thine ducks. I would apply this formula only in extreme circumstances.

Dedicated to Tanya – thank you for asking the question. I hope my response isn’t too "negative."

© 2006 Teresa G. Franta