Or so it appears...

Are we as we perceive ourselves to be, or as others perceive us to be? I think this is an interesting question, and I have no answer other than to say that maybe we’re a bit of both. If others perceive us to be something other than who we think we are, then perhaps we have done something or said something to make them perceive us as who we want to be...or conversely, who we are afraid of becoming.

I ponder these thoughts with a smile — a wry smile — of amusement and bemusement. I recently told my 9-year-old nephew that I was coming to visit him and his family. It happens that my trip coincides with his birthday, which will be celebrated with a party, of course. When he heard I was coming, he immediately told me that his party was going to be special. From the invitations I receive each year, I thought every birthday party he had was special. It seems this one is going to be a bit more grown up — maybe. He’s planning an “American Idol” party, complete with a contest and judges. He asked if I would be a judge, and followed up with... “You can be Paula Abdul.” As I remained silent for a moment, he asked if I was still on the line. I assured him that I was, and then told him that I would be delighted to be a judge. After I hung up the phone, I had an interesting conversation with myself. I wondered why he asked me to be a judge — more specifically, the Paula Abdul judge. Was it just because I’m female? Was it because I have long dark hair? Or, does he think I’m loopy and kooky, as she appears to be on the show? Note that I used the word “appears.” I have no way of knowing if Ms. Abdul is acting or presenting millions of homes with the real thing each night. I don’t care what her story is and I don’t watch the show, but I do care about how my nephew perceives me to be. Why? Because I’m human, female, and self-doubts and insecurities come with the territory. It’s true that I rarely care what other people think of me, but this was my nephew. For some reason this little scenario hit a chord that kept playing over and over in my head, like a bad song you just can’t stop humming, no matter how hard you try.

Eventually, I stopped talking to myself and had some laughs about this with my husband. We decided that being Paula Abdul for an afternoon could have some benefits. One being that I could have a few cocktails and no one would be the wiser. Everyone would assume that I was just acting...or at least I hoped so. Enough. I wasn’t going to over analyze a 10-year-old child’s birthday party, but I was going shopping for a Paula Abdul outfit. I need to dress appropriately, or rather inappropriately for the occasion, don’t I?

I thought I had let this perception issue go. Then, a few days later, I posted an article titled "What's in a name?" I described an evening of surreal proportions and thought that I got the point across that this was a unique party and not something that occurs on a regular basis, at least not in my life. The comments from readers on this article were enlightening. It seems that I made people think about their personal “name” and identity issues, just as I had thought about mine. Somewhere down the line, I saw a few comments that noted what a magical and interesting life I lead, and what interesting friends I must have. Back I went to the perception issue again, but not before telling a few of my friends who had read these comments to get over themselves...that they're really not that interesting.

So I ask once again — are we who we perceive ourselves to be, or as others perceive us to be? I couldn’t get this out of my head, so I asked some one of my friends to describe herself to me, as she perceived herself to be. I told her to ignore physical attributes and stick with personalities, and characteristics. This friend, whom I believe is very stubborn and rarely acquiesces to the wishes of others, told me that she gives in easily and compromises too much. Hmmm? The Paula Abdul thing smacks me in the head again — hard enough to give me a headache. I finally gave up, took an aspirin and filed this article under “in progress.” Then, I packed my bags, gave myself a pedicure and headed out on a vacation in the sunny dry heat of Palm Desert.

If one is mulling over perceptions and appearances, a desert resort in California is the perfect place to sit back, relax and watch the show. After a few days by the pool, I decided to do a little research, with my friend as a willing partner. We would select a few unsuspecting “subjects” and see if we could guess their stories strictly by appearances and perception.

Let’s start with the Poser. My friend and I nicknamed this Sam Elliot look-alike and retro lifeguard wannabe the “Poser” on our third day. He was just too cool for words. He would casually stroll around our pool, stop at the bar, light a smoke...and all without sitting down or getting wet for over an hour. Then just as casually, he would stroll back to another pool area not to be seen for another hour or so. He always had his cell phone clipped to his perfect old-school board shorts. I guess I first noticed him because he was mildly attractive as in an “I know I’ve seen this guy somewhere before” way, as in 30 years ago at Huntington Beach on the life guard tower. The pool that the Poser would eventually wander back to was called commonly referred to as the “kids” pool. This area had mazes and water slides and so many blow-up floaties in the pool that I couldn’t imagine anyone without kids venturing in...even for a short visit. The second thing that made me notice the Poser was the incongruity of the cell phone clipped to his board shorts. The last detail that made this guy hit my radar was his perfect, dare I say “feathered” hair. It was never wet or messy, not even in the 100 degree temperatures. That’s right, he never stepped in the pool to cool off and he never broke a sweat.

After lunch one day, my friend hypothesized about his story. She thought he was here on a guy’s trip and was looking for a hook-up. I ventured that the wife and kids were at the other pool and that he stopped in at our pool to check in on his girlfriend, or girlfriends, via cell phone back home. Seems my friend and I were on the same page...however sordid. My husband was amused with our stories and suggested that maybe the Poser was just trying to do business and check in with his office in a quiet area or clear his head of the shrills and screams from the kid’s pool. We never actually saw the Poser talking on the phone, only listening. While my husband’s theory was probably the most likely, and certainly spoke volumes about my friend's and my trust issues, it wasn’t nearly as entertaining our stories were. I think we may have given the Posers hypothetical “girlfriends” names. Okay, I know we did — Itsy and Bitsy, a blonde and a redhead.

We wondered how this poor guy would feel if he knew what we were thinking about him as he strolled and posed and kept his cool while the rest of us looked like drowned rats. Probably not too happy. Then we laughed at what other people may be thinking about us, as in my husband, my friend, and me. We certainly appeared to be enjoying ourselves. Did others think we were all together…as in all three of us together? We also we wondered which of us was the most perceptive when it came to the Poser’s story. Let’s say my husband was right. Does this mean that the Poser purposely projects himself in a way to make others view him as a player? Does he want to be thought of as a player, even if he isn’t? Maybe he’s just a nice guy who never gives his appearance, nor attire, a thought…and he just happens to look and act like a player. Could it be that my friend and I were completely off track? Of course, we could be wrong. Appearances can be deceiving — we all know this. This guy could be happily married and completely devoted to his wife and kids without any lecherous thoughts of hooking up or extramarital affairs in his future. Possible, but not likely. How do I know? Perhaps it was the way he acted as if he didn’t see any of the poolside hard-bodies, without missing an inch. Perhaps it was the pick-up line he finally tried on a young hard-body at the bar the night before he checked out. Certainly, it was the detached way he treated his wife and children — which I finally saw, as they packed their bags and floaties into their SUV and headed out as one big not so happily ever after family.

Now, you may be thinking that my friend and I were acting pretty catty...and judgmental. If you’re not, you should be. Once again, let me explain. We weren’t really judging. We were hypothesizing. I don’t usually sit around looking at others, wondering what goes on behind their closed doors. I considered this research. I started this perception game so that I could finish this article and find some closure about my own Paula Abdul issue. I also wanted to prove a point. I was successful on our last day at the resort.

Let’s go back to our second-to-last day. There was a nice-looking man in his 40s sitting poolside with two younger children and a darling young woman in her late teens or early 20s. My friend speculated that he must be divorced or separated...and that the young beauty couldn’t be his wife, nor the mother of his children. She witnessed the father and young woman affectionately hugging and cavorting in the pool. The kids called him dad and her by name — not mommy. I glanced over and remarked that they appeared to be having fun and that maybe the young girl was the nanny. My friend remarked that the young girl was obviously his “girlfriend” and that she was young enough to be his daughter...or “niece.” The next day, I was working in the morning and didn’t make it to the pool until after lunch. As I approached my chaise lounge (the one I had staked claim to all week), my friend immediately informed me that she was wrong about the “girlfriend/niece.” I glanced over and saw an attractive older woman, about the age of the man, sitting with man and his “niece.” It seems this older woman was the wife of this man, and that the girl young enough to be his daughter was...well, she was their daughter. We laughed with a bit of shame and embarrassment at our incorrect assumption, and then we put our “perception,” or “misperception” game away. We were one for two and this proved my point. The odds were against us.

It’s dangerous to bet on perceptions — our own, or others. What you see is not always what you get. We shouldn’t jump to conclusions and we shouldn’t judge a book by its cover…even if the cover looks like a poser or a niece. From now on, if I see what I perceive to be a poser, or a niece, I will give them the benefit of the doubt. It’s not my business anyway. In return, I hope others will extend me the same courtesy. If my nephew wants me to be Paula Abdul for a day, then I’ll be Paula Abdul for a day — without worrying about why he chose me to play the ditz and what others may think. Besides, it could have been worse. He could have asked me to be Simon Cowell. If this had happened, I might have wondered if he perceived me to be arrogant, obnoxious and masculine. As I said, I’m human and female. Furthermore, when I write, I write what I want others to read. I focus on what I come across in my life that I think will be of interest to those who tune in. It’s not that my life is extraordinarily interesting, it’s not. I’m just a sideways chica with a different way of “seeing” things, and I can tell a good story...or so it appears.

“Men in general judge more from appearances than from reality. All men have eyes, but few have the gift of penetration” ~Niccolo Machiavelli

Postscript: Things are not always as they seem. Just because someone appears to be something does not make it so. Just because we think of ourselves one way, does not preclude others from thinking of us differently. Glass houses again. Be careful with those stones and assumptions. You know what they say — to assume can easily make an “ass of U and Me.”

© 2006 Teresa G. Franta