I don't, but I do.

At a party recently, someone brought up the “I don’t” trend of older couples. It was said by one friend that there’s not enough motivation anymore to say “I do” if children are not in the master plan. I know several of these couples. I’m not referring to couples who have “his” and/or “her” children. I’m talking about couples who have no children, on either side, and are approaching (or just past) the half century mark. Many have been together for years (and years), and still have not tied the proverbial knot—or have they?

Some of these couples are content with their “single but almost married” status, and others not so much. There’s this one case in which the chica would really like to be married. It’s not the wedding she wants per se, but the ring and its symbolic commitment in the eyes of our society. Her significant other has held out for over eight years. Before the comments come in saying that it’s time for this couple to fish or cut bait...or get off the pot, read on. If you still feel the same way in the end, then so be it.

In each case, love (or the lack thereof) is not the factor keeping these couples from walking down the aisle. Money (or the fear of co-mingling funds) is not the reason either. Once I came to this determination, I was intrigued and surprised. Isn’t love and money (or the love of money) the Holy Grail that we all seek from the moment we learn to say “I want.” And don’t we want to shout out to the Joneses that we have plenty of both? Apparently not. If these couples had planned to have children together, or even if they had children from a previous relationship, I think the “I do’s” would have been done already. As it happens, each of these couples met in their late thirties to mid forties and have steadfastly built their lives together...one “I don’t” after another.

Now one could interject something here about the decline of morality in our society—or the fact that divorce has become so commonplace that it’s eroded the once highly valued, and expected, trips to the altar for young couples in love. Sorry folks, I’m not talking about morality here or the decline of values…nor am I talking about younger couples. Okay…I hear my friends grumbling that their not that old…yet! My response is that age is only a state of mind and it’s not my fault that some of my friends don’t know which state they’re in!

The reason I question the validity of the “I don’t” status of these couples, is the pains they have all taken to ensure the safety, security and well-being of their respective significant others. Several own property together. Others have life insurance policies and trusts naming one another as his or her primary beneficiary. Most have advanced health directives ensuring that their significant other will be by their side in case of an emergency…and able to speak on their behalf if necessary. Wow. I know married couples, with kids, who’ve never even thought about drafting their wills or naming official guardians for their children.

This speaks volumes to me. Think about it. These “I don’t” couples have put the person who stands to inherit everything in charge of ending their life…pulling their plug. In a marriage, this right is usually inherent, unless congress decides to get involved. Nevertheless, these “I don’t” couples aren’t married and they don’t have this given right; yet they’re secure enough in their relationships to commit in writing to a conflict of interest that is based on much more than love, much more than money, and much more than the fear of divorce. These couples are committed in their trust for one another. T-r-u-s-t. A five letter word defined as “reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.

So, without preaching about morality, without judging, and without questioning their reluctance to make their unions official, I look at these couples with newfound respect and admiration. It takes a lot of trust, a lot of integrity and a lot of confidence to plan for the future, including retirement, illness and ultimately death, with (and for) someone you don’t have to plan for in the eyes of the law...or in the judgmental eyes of society.

It’s true these friends haven’t tied the traditional “knot” of holy matrimony (yet), but if for some reason their relationships ended tomorrow, I’m guessing there would be as much (or more) untying of knots involved as in the dissolution of a traditional union. I’m sure there would be as much heartache as well.

So please…the next time you come across a “mature” couple who “hasn’t committed” themselves traditionally to one another, don’t assume that it’s because they’re unsure of their relationship or not fully committed to one another. It may be that they’re more committed than some married couples…and it’s possible that they’ve given their future together more thought, more consideration and more respect than we married folk. It’s also likely that what we take for granted, they don’t. Sure, there are the sticky issues of health insurance and social security, but the current states of these matters certainly don’t make me feel smug, secure or superior in morality. In fact, these two issues make little old married me feel a bit distrustful and fearful of the future. Therefore, I’m taking a page from these mature, not married couples. It’s time to review my investments, insurance policies, trusts and beneficiaries and make sure my married “knot” is as securely tied as their not married “knots.”

One more thing. Please don’t think I’m advocating “I don’t” versus “I do.” I’m not. I’m just pointing out that we married couples don’t have the corner on love, happiness, integrity, morality…or most importantly, trust. Some trust is instinctive, while other trust is earned. Some trust is fleeting, while other trust lasts forever. There’s the instinctive trust of a newborn in his mother’s arms. There’s the devoted trust of a pet that his owner will always provide. There’s the hopeful trust of a man and a woman when they say “I do,” and then there’s the unique trust of man and a woman when they say, “I don’t, but I do.” And I do trust these friends to know (and choose) what’s best for their relationships and their futures—for better or worse. And I now pronounce them friends for life.

Dedicated to all of my “single but almost married” friends. You know who you are. And to the chica still holding out for the platinum ring...it will come in time, but until then I want you to know that you’re already in one of the most committed relationships I’ve seen...and I’m “knot” kidding.

© 2006 Teresa G. Franta