Ask not...want not!

Why is it that some people, armed with only partial information or information from unreliable sources, assume they are knowledgeable enough to weigh in as experts on specific subjects? It goes right along with getting unasked for, unnecessary and uninformed advice…especially in the up close and personal department. This is a pet peeve of mine. It also hits my husband’s radar. It’s as if these people are judging us and finding fault with how we live our lives. Perhaps they think we have a problem because we don’t conform to their lifestyle...or maybe they weigh in for other more altruistic reasons. Either way, I think it’s best to keep these opinions to ourselves, unless someone asks for our advice. I say, “Ask not, want not.”

I am reminded of the well-known and arguably incorrect phrase, “Mother knows best.” I say “incorrect” because no one person, mother or not, can know what’s best 100 percent of the time—not for themselves, for their children or for their extended family and friends. Also…pointing out that we know best does not endear us to others…whether we are correct or not. I threw the “arguably” in front of “incorrect” because I know many mothers will argue this point repeatedly.

I admit that it’s tough, but I strive to live by the motto “live and let live.” It is for this reason that I shy away from talking politics and religion amongst friends. It is also for this reason that I am reluctant to do business with friends and family—or with friends and family of friends and family. She may sell seashells down by the seashore, but if she’s related to a friend or a family member then I purposely pass on her products even if they are perfect presents for my peeps.

Seriously, why do people want to tell us how we should live our lives? Or point out what we are doing wrong according to their rules, standards and expectations? I’m not talking about life threatening instances…and I’m not talking about those who interfere for malicious reasons. The people I refer to are the ones who honestly think they are doing the right thing. They feel as if it is their job or duty to weigh in and give you their unsolicited advice in the form of constructive criticism. Ironically, many of these critics can’t handle criticism well when it comes their way. It’s also been my experience that these same people—who think they know best—base their opinions, judgments and criticism on incomplete information or erroneous facts. Yet they still readily dole out their advice as if they are the final word—the experts in our field.

This reminds me of my boys…my stepsons. I’ve tried through the years to encourage their independent thought process. The result is that they like what they like and it isn’t always what I like. Is their hair too long or too short for my liking? Do I like the style of their clothing? Do I care for their music? The answers to these questions aren’t important. What matters is that they like their hair, clothing and music. Sure, these are superficial items. What about their politics? Am I pleased with the direction they’ve taken. Again, it doesn’t matter. What’s most important is that the politics they have chosen are the politics they believe in…and that they have chosen knowledgeably. If our children grow up to do everything to please us, including the manner in which they dress or vote, then we have done them an injustice.

I am sure the day will come when my husband and I will have to hold our tongues on some serious matters with our boys. We may not care for their living arrangements, or lifestyle choices…or heaven forbid, whom they choose as a partner in life. If this day comes, I hope to remember the many times I received well-meaning, but unsolicited and erroneous advice. I hope to recall how this unwelcome interference made me feel. I hope to remember that I am not an expert anymore on what these boys want or need. I will also strive to remember that no one knows what goes on behind closed doors—yours, mine, or theirs—except for those who live behind these doors.

It is for this reason that my husband and I hold our cards close to the vest. We live rather privately. It seems we have taught our boys to do the same. Does this mean that some day they may shut us out of the everyday events in their lives? Not if we behave and remember that we are no longer the bosses of them or their lives…and we no longer know what’s best. Unless, of course, they provide us with all the information we need and then ask for our advice. Even then, it’s tricky…just like the she who sometimes sells seashells down by the seashore situation.

Now it’s time to put a close to these musings. That last trip to the seashore did me in. Plus, I need to go shopping. I’m going to pick up a few gifts for the boys that I know they want, but I think they don’t need, and I probably won’t like. That’s right. I’m going to give them what they like, not what I think they should like. I’m going to let them march to their own beat, not to mine...and I’m not even going to tell them to turn down the volume. Why? Because these two apples don’t fall too far from their trees—even if one of their trees is just a step-tree.

© 2005 Teresa G. Franta