Cheers, beers and leers!

I recently came across a catalog my husband had set aside rather than toss in the recycle bin with the thousands of other catalogs that arrive this time of year. I was intrigued with this catalog on two counts. One reason was that my husband, who throws everything away, actually saved it—and the other reason was the tag line prominently printed in big block letters on the front cover. It said, “STUFF GUYS WANT.”

What woman could resist such a direct challenge? Not me. I sat down and started perusing the pages of this catalog in hopes of finding out what kind of stuff guys really want. After all, this could be my chance to find the perfect gift for my husband this year. Boy was I surprised. If this catalog is true to its word, and its pages accurately reflect stuff guys really want, then my husband is sure to be disappointed come Christmas morning.

After digesting this “stuff” for a while, I decided to make a Christmas list of my own—of all the stuff my husband apparently wants because he is a guy, but he is not getting because I am not a guy and I really can’t believe anyone, guy or not, would want any of this stuff. Of course, I (not a guy) may be off-track here. After all, these items are boldly displayed with full color professional photography in a catalog that’s been around for a while. If this stuff doesn’t sell…it wouldn’t be in the catalog. Right?

Read on and I’ll share some of this stuff, including the descriptive copy, that caught my eye…or rather, my ire.

Stuff Guys Want

(and My Husband’s Not Getting)

1. Remote Control Bartender – “keep the drinks flowing while you relax.”

Besides the many obvious problems with this item, I can’t help but wonder who puts the drinks in the remote control car and sends them to the recipients. It can’t be the “guy,” because he is busy “relaxing.” This means that a woman somewhere could be complicit.

2. The Beer Tender – “This ingenious device keeps your beer cold, at hand, illuminated, and is sure to drastically reduce your trips to the fridge.”

This makes perfect sense. Getting up and moving about while drinking could kill the buzz. It’s much better to empty all the cans and bottles of beer from the fridge into a contraption that sits on the table, right next to us before we start drinking. What’s next? A Lazy-Boy Port-a-potty? Quick…where’s the number for the patent attorney? Maybe I can get it in the catalog in time for next Christmas.

3. The Cruzin Cooler – “…the Cruzin Cooler can save your back on long days. It holds up to 24 beverage cans plus plenty of ice, and its powerful 500 watt electric motor can actually travel up to 15 miles [13 m.p.h.] on a charge.”

When the 24 pack is gone, the Remote Control Bartender can deliver more…and more…and more. Apparently for this vehicle, all you need is a license to chill.

4. Belt Buckle Bottle Opener – “Whether it’s 10:00 a.m. and the tailgate party is hitting its stride, or it’s 5:00 o’clock and happy hour is in full swing, these buckles add the extra something to any ensemble. …they are sure to spark up some conversation the next time someone asks for a bottle opener.”

I wonder if they work on twist-off bottles. Just imagine how many wrist injuries could be avoided with the Belt Buckle Bottle Opener at 10:00 a.m. in the morning! This gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “Buckle up.”

5. Motorized Pool Lounger – “Take control of your pool! Now you can patrol those guest infested waters while you relax.”

Of course, this little gem comes complete with two steerable motors and a conveniently located joystick control to go forward, backwards or to spin on a dime and head back to the poolside bar without exerting a single muscle! Did I mention the built-in cupholder, armrests and backrest? I’m sure next year’s model will boast a built-in high def plasma T.V.

6. Remote Control Drink Float – “The hand-held remote let’s you direct the Drink Float exactly where you want it, without even moving from your lounge chair.”

Wow. I guess this means that the guy with the Motorized Pool Lounger doesn’t have to bother with his joystick. Wouldn’t want to overuse the joystick. What am I thinking? After all that drinking, the joystick is no longer a joystick.

Can you detect a theme here? Cheers, beers and leers! Lest you think this catalog offers only alcohol-related gifts, rest assured there’s plenty of other “stuff guys want.” There’s the Fish Net Leg Lamp, which has nothing to do with fish, the Firepod pocket hand warmer (which actually serves a purpose), the Jack Daniels Keychain flask, the Old World Globe Bar, and the bourbon-flavored BBQ Sauces. Oops, strike the last three…they’re also alcohol-related, and I believe on backorder until after the holidays. And why wouldn’t we want a flask attached to our keychain? Makes perfect sense to me.

I could go on like this for hours. There’s so much “stuff guys want” that it boggles the mind. In honor of full disclosure, I want to add that this catalog also offers another keychain: the Keychain Breathalyzer/CO detector. It seems the witty copywriter for all the other “stuff” was out sick or on vacation the day this item was added. The description says, “Simply push a button, blow into the inhaler, and this handy breathalyzer let’s you know if you’ve been over served!” Hmmm? What’s wrong with this picture? Firstly, the person who has been “over served,” no doubt by the Remote Control Drink Float, Motorized Pool Lounger, Belt Buckle Bottle Opener, the Cruzin Cooler and the Beer Tender, would still be in possession of his (or her) keys to use the Keychain Breathalyzer. Secondly, where’s the smart copy that boasts how lit you can get while relaxing all day and not exerting a muscle…and still get home safely!

Please don’t get me wrong. I’m no teetotaler. I enjoy a cocktail as much as most people. But in moderation and hardly ever at 10:00 a.m. in the morning. Plus, those people who know me well also know that it wouldn’t be the Holiday season if I didn’t get a little sarcastic with Corporate America and Madison Avenue.

However, all sarcasm aside…I urge everyone to drink and drive responsibly during the Holidays and beyond. If we have to stop and wonder if we’ve had enough—or too much—then we’ve probably had enough—or too much. We should hand over the keys to someone who hasn’t been “over served,” or call a cab.

My point, and I do have one, is moderation and good sense. Neither of which is in the best interest of Corporate America and Madison Avenue. Their goal is a healthy bottom line regardless of the consequences. Your hiney and those of your loved ones are the “bottom lines” that truly count.

Before you raise another glass of “cheer,” please stop and think. Someone you care about, someone I care about, someone he cares about and someone she cares about are on the road right now. Why take a chance when we have everything to lose? Please drink, drive and buy responsibly. The economy can take the hit...but our loved ones can’t.

Brought to you by C.W.A.M.A.A.S.C.A., cynical writers against Madison Avenue and sometimes Corporate America.

© 2005 Teresa G. Franta