Get off of my...

I can’t tell you how many times in the last few months I’ve heard someone say, “Life is a highway.” Well, if life is indeed a highway, then some people need to drive a little better. Scratch that. They need to drive a lot better. I’m tired of the road hogs, the tailgaters, the speed demons, the oblivious (to everything but their world) drivers, and the honkers. I’m especially tired of the honkers.
Am I talking about real drivers here or will this be another metaphorical column with ducks and trash? Since I’m currently perturbed with many of the drivers in my neck of the woods and a few people in general, you be the judge. Read between the lines or drive between them. Both work for me.
Let’s start with the road hogs. A road hog is someone who thinks that he or she personally owns the road. They seem as if they’re not paying attention as they hog the road. In actuality, they just won’t make eye contact with other drivers. To do so would be to concede something. What they’re conceding is beyond me. Road hogs never let you in easily. A simple lane change by another person challenges them and can lead to confrontation and road rage. If you speed up, they speed up. If you slow down, they slow down. If you signal, they block.
In life, road hogs take over everything—at home, at work, and even at the gym. They make themselves comfortable and take whatever they want whenever they want—even when it’s not their own home—at the expense and discomfort of others. I pity those who share a home with a road hog. They never ask permission for anything or consider the feelings of others. These wild boars do not place nice. If you get into it with one of them, be careful. They bite.

Bottom line on road hogs: On the road and in life, it’s all about them...never about us. Road hogs always think they have the right of way. They never signal, because they own the road, of course. This isn’t as bad as it seems. In fact, not signaling is a “tell.” Road hogs are predictable and we can head them off at the pass. They’re too tough to roast on a spit, and it would take years to marinate road hogs into tender “car”-nitas! If someone chooses to journey the highway of life with a road hog, I suggest a refresher course in Driver’s Ed…with a professional at the wheel. Otherwise, the next stop could be Road Rage Alley, divorce court…or both.

Next, we have the tailgaters. They’re a real pain in the arse. They’re always on our rear and they never let up on the gas…or allow enough space for safe passage. That’s why the rear-ender is always at fault, rather than the rear-endee. We can tap on our breaks, and still the pesky tailgaters don’t get it. We can slow way down and still they’re zoned in on our rear-ends. The best way to shake a tailgater and avoid a collision is to change lanes carefully and hope that a road hog doesn’t go all piggy on us.
In life, tailgaters are similar to space invaders. They’re the people that come into our lives, and while they don’t actually take over like the road hogs, they never have a clue when they’ve worn out their welcome. Some tailgaters enjoy living vicariously through others…and having other people lead the way. Others are just takers. When they’re out of gas, they never go to a filling station; they just get out their siphoning hose.

Bottom line on tailgaters: On the road and in life, tailgaters are a nuisance. They can hook onto our bumpers forever. We need to make sure that potential tailgaters know the rules of the road from the onset. Otherwise, that siphoning hose will come out and they’ll suck us dry. Altering our course and changing lanes to avoid a tailgater is a lot easier than moving homes. And a lot less expensive.

Speed demons have a very real need for speed. They’re always in a hurry. Life is a race to be ran at full throttle. Filled with stress and aggression, speed demons think that rushing around and passing everyone gets them where they want to go quicker, and more efficiently, than those who go with the flow. In theory, this sounds plausible. In reality, speed demons may enjoy temporary gains, but eventually the relaxed tortoise catches up with the stressed hare at the finish line. I believe tortoises enjoy their road trips more than the hares. Speed demons can ruin the trip for the rest of us. They’re more prone to accidents and fender benders. Often a speed demon can also be a tailgater. A lethal combination...and a really big pain in the arse.
In life, speed demons cause undue stress for themselves and others. They insist that the best route is navigating through life on turbo charge. They don’t appreciate the view in front of them and they hardly notice as life passes them by in the rear view mirror. Life with a speed demon is difficult. They wash and put away our dishes before we’ve finished our meal. They never linger over a cup of coffee (or something stronger) and chat with friends. They’re always worried about rush hour traffic. They’re the ones who leave the concert before the incredible encore, or the game before the unbelievable comeback—all because they just can’t sit still, or stop and smell the roses.

Bottom line on speed demons: On the road and in life, speed demons can permanently alter our course. Rest and relaxation are foreign concepts to these zippy little rabbits. They think they’re being efficient when they speed around, but at what cost? Saving five minutes on the road hardly compares to seeing the winning three-point basket that won the championship. It’s easy to be caught up in the frantic pace of a speed demon. If it’s your lot in life to share the road with one of these bunnies, offer to take the wheel more often. The hare may learn to appreciate a slower pace once in awhile, and if you’re a tortoise, you may learn to speed up on occasion and benefit from the exercise.

The oblivious (to everything but their world) drivers are the most dangerous people on the road. They don’t drive defensively, they don’t drive offensively, and they don’t pay attention. Therefore, we have to constantly be on alert for these cell phone talking, texting, applying makeup, or even shaving on the road drivers. Even when they make a mistake and cut us off, they still don’t hang up the phone or put down the mascara. Sometimes they even honk at us, or give us a blank stare. In my area, I encounter the most of these oblivious drivers behind the wheels of the biggest cars and trucks. Most of us are aware of our blind spots and proceed cautiously when unsure. These spacey folks are in their own world and they barge full speed ahead into the unknown. They’re surrounded by one big blind spot—their own ignorance—and they don’t care.
In life, these oblivious (to everything but their world) drivers wreak havoc on the rest of us. We’re left to clean up their messes while they sleep peacefully, unencumbered by their ignorance and apathy. In the beginning, we can easily be blinded by their seemingly carefree light...and envious of their nonchalant “don’t worry be happy” attitudes. This is temporary blindness, which eventually wears off as we take over the full-time job of worrying about these dependent road dummies.

Bottom line on oblivious (to everything but their world) drivers: Dangerous curves are ahead with these driver’s at the wheel. If we offer to drive, then they get comfortable in the role and so do we. There is no redeeming factor for these drivers. They should have their licenses suspended…and so should we if we take to the highway with them by our side. Hopefully, we can see the red light before we get too comfortable as their caretaker in what is sure to be a co-dependent relationship.

Finally, we get to the honkers. These obnoxious drivers are my pet peeve. They can often present multiple personalities, such as the road hog, tailgater, speed demon, and oblivious (to everything but their world) drivers. Honkers are honkers. They don’t take the time to assess a situation before they lay on the horn. They don’t stop to think that maybe we see something they don’t…like a person in the crosswalk, or a bicyclist in their blind spot. Honkers raise the alarm for everything. They startle us, glare at us and sometimes flip us the bird. Honkers can escalate a situation into Road Rage quicker than any driver can…especially if they honk at a road hog.
In life, honkers are the “what about me” people. They honk at everything. They honk at nothing. And they always look for the negative—if they look at all. Like road hogs, it’s always all about the honkers. False self-importance and over-inflated egos are their high-octane fuels of choice. If they share a personality with the oblivious (to everything in their world) drivers, then they are demanding dependents that will wear us out before the finish line is in view. If we put up with one honk from a honker then shame on them. If we stick around for two or more honks from the same honker, then shame on us.

Bottom line on honkers: Horn works. Try the lights. That’s right, we need to turn on the lights and break these honkers of their nasty habit or disconnect their horn. Otherwise, we’ll end up with a huge (honking) headache throughout our entire journey…whether it be a weekender road trip, an extended vacation, or on the exalted highway of life that I keep hearing so much about.

Well, there you have it. Some simple navigational tools for life. As I said, you can read between my lines, drive between them, or both. All I ask is that you slow down a bit, keep both eyes on the road, put down that cell phone, and get off of my rear-end. And whatever you do—and wherever you go—don’t touch that horn!

© 2005 Teresa G. Franta