Tivo this!

Hello, my name is Teri and I’m a Tivo-holic. I have three Tivo machines in my house and one cable DVR. My oldest Tivo is from the first year they hit the market and has only a few hours of storage capacity. As new models came out, with increased storage space, my husband purchased the newer model and then moved the older model to another room in the house.

This all started when I was working 95 or more hours a week. I would come home in the wee hours, make something to eat and then watch a bit of TV to wind down from a long stressful day. My television viewing tastes are a bit esoteric, and as nothing I was interested in was ever playing when I came home, my husband bought me the first Tivo recorder for Valentine’s Day eight years ago. It was a thoughtful and romantic gesture that I’m sure he regrets. I am the Tivo master. Bottom line: I always scan back to hear every word of dialogue and I never watch any live programming, unless it’s the Super Bowl.

Ahhh…the Super Bowl. Never figured me for a football girl, did you? I’m not—I’m in it for the commercials. Having been in advertising for so many years, I watch these commercials to look for new trends in content and production from the movers and shakers of Madison Avenue and beyond. Remember the ads for the dot com companies that dominated the Super Bowl coverage a few years back? Many of these companies went under soon after paying millions for their coveted Super Bowl spots—but the style and design of the commercials lived on much longer than the whiz kid companies did.

Therefore, once a year, I watch TV live and I watch all of the commercials. The rest of the year, I zap through commercials at warp speed on one of my many Tivo machines. There are a few exceptions though, which brings me to my point. Whenever I start a writing project for a new product, I start watching commercials for a while. Again, my purpose is to spot new advertising trends and production techniques. This past week was an intense commercial week in my house. I watched commercials for three straight nights. Let me tell you what I learned.

I learned that KY has a new self-warming liquid lubricant. Their packaging tag line reads “See what happens...” I also learned that vaginal dryness commercials have replaced penile dysfunction commercials and that herpes is contagious even when an afflicted person is not having an outbreak. Wow. Remember back in the day when tampon commercials were the embarrassing moments of family television viewing? Speaking of periods, I should probably end my article here, as in done, finito, end of sentence…period. I won’t, but I will tell you that I didn’t see one single commercial for tampons, but I saw one that advertised a product for “feeling feminine fresh.”

What happened to the good old days? I can’t believe that I actually miss the tampon commercials. Given the current alternatives, can you blame me? I think the herpes commercials are a bit in your face, but they seem to be getting a message out and correcting dangerous misinformation. So, I guess I will give these ads a pass. As for the others—not so much. For shame Madison Avenue, for shame Corporate America. For shame.

It was in 1967 that the FCC banned tobacco commercials from the airwaves in a controversial ruling. For some reason the Virginia Slim tagline, “You’ve come a long way baby” comes to mind. Ironic, isn’t it? It seems as if we’ve done anything but (pun intended) come a long way—especially when it comes to inappropriate advertising. Promoting personal lubrication and “feeling fresh” feminine products on primetime TV is beyond the pale…or at least beyond the border of my allegorical white picket fence.

Those who know me well will think this position at odds with my firm conviction on every person’s right to free speech, commercial or not. However, I’m not talking about free speech here…nor am I garnering support to institute measures “designed to restrict commercial speech in the name of the social good.” I’m simply talking about a sense of decency and good taste. Good God ya’ll. Have you seen the KY ad…and heard the “reminiscent of soft porn” music playing in the background? I expected to hear the doorbell ring and have a voice call out “Pizza Man.” Less is more Madison Avenue, less is more.

Ah well, what else can I say? The times they are a changing. If people don’t want to talk to their doctors, or peruse the appropriate aisles of their drugstore, or ask the pharmacist about their vaginal dryness or “not so fresh” feminine problems, and are content with these commercials staring them in the face while watching television with their families, then so be it. I am but one chica. I have but one voice.

I do have three Tivo machines and one cable DVR…plus two eyes and two ears. Television commercials only work if they get the right “frequency” and “reach.” Madison Avenue be warned. You’ll not get my frequency, my reach, my two eyes or my two ears. My three Tivos and one cable DVR will see to that. Done. Finito. Period.

Wow. I feel so fresh now—and in a feminine sort of way. Now hand over the clicker!

Disclaimer: Tivo is ready and willing when the time is right for you. If your Tivo remote is erect for longer than 4-hours, contact your doctor. Or...I guess you can wait and “See what happens...”

© 2006 Teresa G. Franta