Satisfaction guaranteed

Okay…my husband is on a diet. His knee surgery last year caused problems. He’s not as active as he was prior to the surgery—not by a long shot. He can’t walk for extended periods, nor can he ride the step machine or the stationary bike at the gym as he once did. He can’t even play golf. Bottom line: he’s gained weight because he can’t do what he normally does to stay fit—almost. We’ll get to the “almost” in a bit.

A new knee is supposedly the answer to this dilemma. Alas, this begets another dilemma. To get the new knee my husband has to lose weight—or else the operation won’t be successful. Exercise is obviously out of the question, so here we are—counting carbs, calories, fat content and constantly reading labels for taboo ingredients like high fructose corn syrup, trans fat and refined flour. We’ve never done this before. It’s almost like learning a foreign language, except foreign languages aren’t as sneaky as the food labels.

This entire situation sounds miserable for him, doesn’t it? Not so much. You know how it goes…what’s his is mine. By this, of course, I mean the diet. Talk about organizing, reading, and pre-planning. I’ve lost four pounds just trying to keep up with his diet. Plus, I’ve learned things—interesting things, strange things. Things I almost wish I didn’t know. More importantly, I wish he didn’t know.

Yes, I’m getting to the “almost” part that I mentioned above. Before I do though, let me explain some of my late night reading material. Since you’re reading (suffering) along with me this week, I might as well share with you some of the interesting (strange) things I’ve learned about weight loss, diet, metabolism and exercise.

The book, “You On a Diet,” was suggested as a reference book for my husband by a friend. Again, his is mine, and that includes reading the majority of this very different book. Written by two doctors, Michael F. Roizen and Mehmet C. Oz (of Oprah fame), it’s a compilation of scientific data, myths, and other odds and ends about how the body process and eliminates food, nutrients, fat and protein. There’s also a diet and exercise plan buried in there somewhere. Overall, I suppose it’s an informative and useful diet book. Written in an off-the-cuff manner, it’s a bit too breezy for me. I find it forced at times. Most people will probably like the manner in which the authors present the information. I have to admit that the illustrations fascinate me. Not from any stunning artistic capacity, but from their dark, moody style. I found them depressing and at times confusing. Nevertheless, this isn’t a book review. I’m sure there are plenty of people who will read this book, enjoy it, and benefit from some of the content. Just remember, I believe that in life every benefit comes with a non-benefit to contend with—the lesser of two evils. So read on and let me share some of the “factoids,” “myths,” and data presented in this popular book…and one very specific non-benefit.

(1.) I now know exactly how colonics work...and that a 24-hour fast can achieve the same results without getting “a tube pushed up into your lower intestines (via your back end.)” Hmmm? Think someone should let the trendy Hollywood set in on this factoid?

(2.) I know now why some people have smelly gas, while others don’t. Yes, food plays a big role as I suspected, but there’s a bit more to it. Think refrigerator and baking soda…then think about cleaning out the refrigerator. Also…Beano only works for beans. I wonder how they figured that one out.

(3.) I learned that if you must eat simple sugars, you should never eat them all by themselves. A bit of bread dipped in a smidge of olive oil just prior to eating the simple sugar-laden Ho-Ho will help in the processing of the sugar and reduce cravings for that second, third or fourth Ho-Ho or Oreo. Me? I’d skip the Ho-Ho and Oreo and have more bread and olive oil.

(4.)I thought I knew all about good and bad cholesterol, but now I really know all about good and bad cholesterol. In fact, I might become obsessive. Pass me the eggs please, I’m hungry.

(5.) Agriculture is the first historical event that the authors point to as contributing to the rise of excess pounds in society—not the development of whipped cream in coffee, stationary office jobs, or the development of fast food. Hard to digest? Think of it this way: Once agriculture was established, our ancestors became less nomadic, settled into colonies and then started eating what they wanted, not just what they needed. Makes sense to me. I rarely see a fat animal, unless domesticated.

I found this last bit the most enlightening fact in the book. Wish I could say the same for my husband. Yes, I’m “almost” to the “almost.”

I mentioned earlier that my husband can’t perform any of the routine exercises he used to do prior to the surgery last year. But there is one thing he did prior to surgery (and still does) to get his heart rate up in the stratosphere. You guessed it. It’s a three-letter word that starts with an “s” and ends with an “x.” In this wonderful world of Oz book, there are several references to sex. Four in all: pages 49, 134-135, 203 and 224. My husband found each one without using the index or table of contents. Call it “guydar” or just plain creepy. Ask him about the agriculture thing and he’ll not have a clue, even though I explained it to him three times. Heck, ask him about the Beano and he’ll give you the same blank stare he gave me. We don’t eat beans, so I guess I can cut him some slack on this one.

Speaking of cutting slack, I realize that this diet thing has my husband a bit off kilter. Did I mention he’s not had an ounce of alcohol for several weeks…and won’t for the next six weeks. So yes, I’m giving him a bit of a break. Still, there comes a point—and yes, I do have one.

If the benefits of having sex while trying to lose or maintain weight are presented by any doctor, one-on-one, or in book format to a mass audience, then some prominent disclaimers need to be included by said doctors.

It’s not that I have a problem with the information presented in the book, per se. Although, I was a bit surprised to learn that according to the book “sex and hunger are regulated through the brain chemical NPY.” But did they have to include the bit that said “Satisfying one appetite center, you seem to satisfy the other.” Sure, I want my husband to lose weight and benefit from a successful knee replacement. But at what cost to me? I know how much more work will be on my plate after his surgery. I need to rest up a bit.

Hey now…I hear some grumbling out there. I’m no prude. I enjoy a healthy morning, afternoon or evening of delight. And I want to help my husband lose the weight. So what’s my problem? My husband is on a specific diet that calls for six (SIX) meals a day. Do I need to connect the dots? I’m not saying that he seeks a food substitute for every meal…but you get my point. I wish I didn’t.

What about the knee? Isn’t exercise like this detrimental or painful? Detrimental, perhaps, but our wonderful (and this time I do mean wonderful) doctor informed us that there’s nothing that my husband can do to the knee between now and the surgery to make his job in the operating room any tougher. What about the pain? It seems that while my husband is getting “Va-Va-Va-Voom-Satisifed”—as the good doctors Roizen and Oz so cleverly call it in the book—he feels no pain…and more importantly, no gain. Not a single ounce—morning, noon or night. In fact, he’s consistently losing weight.

So, when people ask him how he’s losing the weight, he tells them about his diet regime; counting carbs, eating protein and not drinking. When they ask if he gets hungry, he tells them no…that he’s completely satisfied. When they ask about his exercise program, he tells them that we have an in-home gym (which we don’t). When they ask about the equipment in our non-existent in-home gym, he smiles and then tells them it’s proprietary…as in “Pro-pri-e-TERI.” He thinks he’s so funny. I guess he is. Can you hear me laughing? Maybe I need to work on it a bit. Stay “Ta-Ta-Ta-Tuned.”

© 2007 Teresa G. Franta