Please don’t crush the nuts!

I think that whoever invented the bra should be punished…or at least forced to wear a bra for 18 hours. Since I’m sure that the actual person who invented the bra has already left this world, my point may be moot, but I trust you get my drift. As for the true inventor of the bra, there has long been a debate, fueled by rumor, myth and the wonderful songstress, Bette Midler. Was it Mr. Titslinger or Mr. Brassiere who came up with the idea that we needed to manhandle our bosoms into these contraptions? I’m guessing it was Mr. Brassiere, thus the wonderfully descriptive name of the “bra.” If it was the industrious Mr. Brassiere who invented the brassiere, I give him one nod of appreciation—going “bra”-less sounds much better than going “tit”-less.

Regardless of the name, I’m betting the inventor of the bra was a man. I am as sure of this as I am that the inventor of the seatbelt was also a man—and possibly related to Mr. Titslinger or Mr. Brassiere. I refer to the shoulder harness of the seatbelt. I realize (and appreciate) that many lives have been saved with the shoulder harness…and those who choose a ticket rather than to click it have contributed countless dollars into municipal coffers. Still I ask…isn’t there a better way? Another alternative? We can send people to the moon and beyond, we can iPod and TiVo all day long…and we can dial in and dial out from just about anywhere these days. Why not a better, more sophisticated and more comfortable shoulder harness?

What if the original seatbelt harness ran between the legs and fastened? How long would that have lasted, regardless of lives saved? One crushed nut and there would have been a recall of massive proportions. So why are we women stuck with a strap between our breasts? Just the other day, my husband was driving and I was in the passenger seat. I leaned forward slightly just as he tapped the brake to allow for slowing traffic in front of us. OUCH! His nuts were fine…my left breast, not so much.

Perhaps the shoulder harness has stayed between our breasts for so long because no one has complained. I thought when airbags were introduced that surely someone would attempt a redesign of the shoulder harness. Alas, I was excessively optimistic and sadly unrealistic.

I’m not saying that bras don’t have their place…they do. Thank you Victoria’s Secret. It’s like Christmas Day for my husband when one of your wonderfully descriptive catalogs arrives in the mail. And seatbelts are necessary. They serve a valid purpose. So do my breasts, which is a subject for another day…or not.

And so I leave you with...

There once was guy named Steve

His penchant for riding the brake was his wife’s pet peeve

It wasn’t that she felt carsick,

Or got her head and neck whipped

She was just plain tired of having her breast squeezed!