Whom's not on first...

I believe that English is one of the most difficult languages to learn for non-natives. It’s not because of the conjugation of the verbs. After all, Spanish has the subjunctive conjugation, such as, “If I were a rich woman.” It’s not the exceptions to the rules either, as in, “‘I’ before ‘e,’ except after ‘c’…and a host of other heinous examples that we don’t learn about in grammar school. And it’s not because of the different regional accents and nonstandard colloquialisms that are sprinkled in local dialects, state to state, and country to country. Do y’all get my drift? I ain’t aiming to confuse.

Why then, do I believe that we have a difficult language to learn? To begin with, to err is human, but to receive riches as an heir to a fortune is as divine as breathing clean, clear air on a sunny afternoon. Get it? Err, heir and air? And an “e” before “i” without a “c” in sight—or do I mean site? Whew…that was close. Should I close now and go about my business, like washing the clothes. Or shall I read a book, while sitting near a tall reed by the lake, a book that I’ve already read, like the book with the bright red cover on my nightstand, or the one that I won at the book fair while eating casual fare consisting of hot dogs and hamburgers? Perhaps I'll choose a new book by an author I once knew.

I could go on like this for hours, but I think I’ve made my point. I’ve also made myself dizzy. Plus, I have another point to make. Many foreigners try—they really try—to master the English language. For them, it’s not natural. For us, it is natural. Yet I am constantly chagrined at the way (or do I mean weigh?) the English language is battered about and butchered by those who know (or do I mean no?) better—or at least by (or do I mean buy?) those who should know better. I guess they just don’t no know better.

I understand southern drawls and I enjoy dinners that are suppers. I enjoy a Maine (or do I mean main?) accent now and then. What really gets my knickers in a twist is hearing or reading irreverent misuse of the English language. I could write regardless here (or do I mean hear?), but it’s irregardless that’s on my mind. This word has been misused so much that it’s now in the Webster’s Dictionary, albeit with a “nonstandard” usage notation. Some spell-checker software isn’t even programmed to correct this word. “Who” is here to stay and “whom” has gone by the wayside. Actually, I just misused “whom” to make my point, which brings me to another point. I recently read (or do I mean red?) that it’s better to say “who” all the time, rather than risk misusing “whom.” That’s rich. How about learning and teaching the proper usage of “whom,” and keeping it around. It’s not (or do I mean knot?) that difficult. Whom has an “m” which goes with “him.” If you can rework the sentence and “whom” can be (or do I mean bee?) replaced with “him,” then you have used “whom” correctly. If it takes a “he” to make the sentence work, then use “who.” Think about “To whom it may concern.” It concerns “him,” not “he.” And, of course, “he” goes with “she,” while “him” goes with “her.” Okay, who’s on first? Here’s a hint. It’s a he. Now I’m really dizzy and my head is starting to hurt.

Now I’m not so uptight with the English language to write or say, “Woe is I.” Only a pretentious ass would say, “Woe is I,” instead of “Woe is me.” However, there are certain things that set my antenna a buzzing. Perhaps it all started with an advertising slogan back in the 60s. Yes, I suppose I’m about to rant a bit about Madison Avenue again, but it’s been a long time since my last rant, so I figure I’m due—or due I mean do? Perhaps I shall just quit now, enjoy a frosty Mountain Dew, and cool off.

I can make it. I’m almost there, their or they’re. Madison Avenue, cigarettes…and a big billboard that boldy proclaimed, “Winston tastes good like a cigarette should,” may have fueled this current trend of “if enough people say it incorrectly, then let’s just make it okay to say it and write (or do I mean right?) it incorrectly? Why fix the mistake? Just modify the language and make another nonstandard exception to (or do I mean two?) the rule.

Pet peeves I do-due have a few…and I also have some-sum company. A friend of mine, who doesn’t work in a mine, takes exception to the misusage of quotation marks in speech. The problem is that this misusage has become the norm…the standard, not the nonstandard. We constantly hear-here people say, “Quote, unquote,” before they verbally quote something. It started out as “Quote, end quote.” Now the end quote has gone by the wayside, with whom not-knot far behind. Just recently, I saw a television commercial that used “Quote, unquote” in writing, which is much worse than using it in speech, because the “end quote” comes directly from the printing presses...to signify the end of a quote. I wonder if the creative mind who developed the copy wrote it correctly and then some editor came along and fixed what he or she thought was a typographical error, or worse, decided that the improper “Quote, unquote” was more appealing to the masses. Divine, just divine, as in, “To air is divine.” I guess one could say, “End quote don’t sound too-two good, like a manipulative sentence should.”

Either way (or do I mean weigh?), it’s (or do I mean its?) possible that none of this will matter in (or do I mean inn?) a few more years. There (or do I mean their?) might not be (or do I mean bee?) anyone left in America who remembers that irregardless is not (or do I mean knot?) a word, or that an end quote is an end quote. Many people worry about the loss of English as the primary language in our country. Wouldn’t it be ironic if some of the foreigners struggling—really struggling—to master the difficult English language actually save regardless, whom, and an end quote or two, too or to?

Now I’m no Hemingway or Dunne, but if it’s true that when the bell tolls, it tolls for thee, do me a favor. If y’all answer that their tolling bell, please—I beg of you—don’t say, “whom’s they’re.”

Now I’m off to-too-two read-reed a story about a turtle and a nice hair…or do I mean a mean and nasty hare?

Postscript: Check out all the “ei” words in this article. Perhaps I’ll start a campaign to eradicate irregardless, save whom, and toss out “I before e, except after c.” Oh well, a well can be a deep subject. I guess it’s neither here not there...or its either hear nor their. You can quote me on that, while you’re sipping Mountain Do from a can. And that’s a quote, end quote.