No fondue for you!

Why is it that perfectly happy couples easily fall prey to the most lethal "Hallmark" holiday of all — Saint Valentine's Day? It's like quicksand. Once you fall into the pit, you can't get out. Fights, arguments and hurt feelings, which can all lead to the playing of the hazardous "no sex" card, are more commonplace than you may think on the supposedly most romantic day of the year. Once this card is played, it's easier to use it again — and again. Once sex is held hostage, it's all downhill from there. Just ask your mother. Trust me on this...she'll know.

Now you may think that single people have dibs on the heartache and hurt that Valentine's Day can cause. They don't, but they do have a good case. After all, if you're not one half of a couple then it's right there on your calendar reminding you of just how "not a couple" you are. New Year's Eve is another event that alienates singles and promotes forced romanticism. Retailers spend billions advancing this idea. From Godiva Chocolates to Victoria's Secret, the manipulation is extreme and the pressure is off the chart. You've seen the pictures. Lady Godiva rode around naked on a horse. How many chocolates do you really think she ate? What about the supermodels, like Gisele? Do you think they get heart-shaped boxes of chocolates from their significant others? If the outfit my husband ordered for my Valentine's gift last year is any indication, I think not. Notice the emphasis on the word my, as in my gift. I didn't get chocolates from my husband because he thought that I thought that they were too fattening. I received a sexy little "outfit" instead. Was this my gift or his? Unfortunately the outfit is still "new" in the box. I wonder why? Trained seal comes to mind. Perhaps if I promise to wear it for him, he'll give me a chocolate Cadbury egg for Easter. Better idea. How about I buy my own chocolate and surprise him with the outfit when he's not expecting it. Then we can enjoy a spontaneous and romantic evening that we will remember for its true value. Less you think I'm too sensitive, the outfit, if you can call it that, is two sizes too small, and I'm a size four. No wonder I didn't get any chocolates! This from a truly great guy...on the other 364 days of the year. Poor sap. He didn't have a chance. I'm telling you, it's a set-up.

So singles take heart, literally. You can have it. Valentine's Day is not all that it's cracked up to be. It's brutal on the budget and requires forced romanticism. This, to most guys, means that "for sure" they'll get lucky. This pressure alone causes many arguments and a lot of disappointment. Then there's that other male viewpoint, which is "I'm damned if I do, and I'm damned if I don't." And sometimes they are.

One friend ended up in an argument over the flowers she received from her husband of nine years. He didn't think she thanked him properly. I think she said they were "just fine." Naturally, there's more to the story. Every year, this friend receives the same style of arrangement from her husband, but never on Valentine's Day — always two or three days early. For the first five-years my friend didn't mind, and then she decided that her husband was too cheap to pay the premium that every florist in town levees on their biggest day of the year. Eventually, her husband began delivering the flowers to her office himself — in a vase from home. This could have been romantic, if he hadn't proudly told his wife, "Why pay for a new vase each year, plus delivery?" A perfectly valid point. I wonder where she got the "cheap" idea? Well, he pushed, she shoved and their true feelings finally came out. After they went 10 rounds, he explained that she should feel special to get her flowers early, before anyone else, because they stand out — they're unique. "After all," he said, "Everybody gets flowers on Valentine's Day." "Apparently not," his wife replied. Now really, even if her husband was being a little thrifty, is it worth all the fuss? Who do you think profited when he marched down to the store and bought an "I'm Sorry" card? Talk about a conspiracy.

So singles, you don't have dibs on the downer of Valentine's Day. If you're not one half of a couple, then you can't get into an argument over something as silly as flowers being delivered early or no candy because he "thought you were on a diet." The list goes on and on. In fact, my best friend played a card last year that may prove even more dangerous than the "no sex" card — and all because of February 14th.

I can honestly say that this friend is in one of strongest, most committed relationships I've ever seen. Yet Cupid still shot her in the ass. Sometimes it's just bad timing. She and her husband were having a minor disagreement. Nothing to do with Valentine's Day. No forgotten reservations, early flowers or lack of chocolate. Just a regular disagreement that would have worked itself out in a non-memorial way had it occurred in any other month than February. Enter Valentine's Day. Yes, the disagreement lingered on and now February 14th forever bears the scar. You see, my friend played the ultimate card. She played the "no fondue for you" card. Now I know that she and her husband have always cherished their private fondue "celebration" on Valentine's Day. No, I'm not sure what all it entails and I'm certainly not going to ask. Just know that this was a special treat that they both truly enjoyed. Now, just because the disagreement carried over onto the 14th, fondue was cancelled and they had rotisserie chicken. Now I've heard that the chicken was very good, but I can't help but lament for the fondue that could have been...and might never be again.

So remember, Valentine's Day is big business on Madison Avenue. A lot of people make a ton of money just to make us crazy on this Hallmark holiday. Watch out for that quicksand. Before you overreact, underreact, or don't react at all, just ask yourself, "Do I really want to ruin a perfectly good fondue?"

Dedicated to Butch: Roses are red, violets are blue...keep your mouth shut and you just might get fondue!

© 2005 Teresa G. Franta