The trash man cometh...

Someone recently reminded me of my motto: “Live...laugh...love. In that order. Everything else, just throw out with the garbage.” It seems as if I had forgotten my personal maxim for a few weeks and yes, I got into trouble. As I laughed at having my own words thrown back in my face, I thought about this motto and decided to clarify its meaning so that I will not so easily forget in the future — especially when one of life’s inevitable road bumps threatens to veer me off course again.

To begin with, let me explain the significance of “In that order.” In the beginning, we live. The laughter comes later. It comes from within. Finding the laughter is part of our journey. The laughter I speak of denotes happiness. To maintain a truly happy and successful relationship — be it friends or lovers — I believe that we must have some laughter in our lives. If we are happy with ourselves — who we are and in which direction we are traveling, then our happiness is infectious. I came to this conclusion one day (a thousand years ago) when a soon-to-be-ex told me that he hoped I would find someone to make me happy. His words baffled me, as I had never thought that I looked to him for happiness. It seems that he felt responsible that I was not happy with our relationship...that I was not happy with my life. I told him the fault was not his, but mine. You see, I knew that he was not happy with our relationship either. I knew that he was not happy with me because I had changed. I was moving in a direction that he couldn’t (or wouldn’t) understand. I’ll never forget that August afternoon, as I stood by my car in his driveway. I looked up at him and told him that I wasn’t looking for anyone to make me happy. I explained that I needed to be happy with myself first, before anyone else could be happy to be with me. I needed to order eggs the way I liked them cooked. I needed to see movies I enjoyed, and I needed to spend my rare down time doing what made me feel good — not all of the time, but at least some of time. I also told him that I needed to pursue a career path that fulfilled my sense of creativity. In other words, I needed to find my own happiness, not look for someone to make me happy...or entertain me. I didn’t wish to become an extension of someone else. I simply wished to be me. Speaking of wishes, I wished him happiness, then got in my car and drove away. Then I stopped at a little café I had been meaning to try for a long time. I ordered eggs benedict...my favorite egg dish.

Finding someone who’s happy with us (and who we are) is wonderful — but only if we’re happy with ourselves at the same time. When I met this special man, he was happy with me and so was I. The problem was that I was only 21-years old and just out of college. He was older. During the next six years by his side, I grew...I matured...I changed. I see now that he longed for the young college coed he fell in love with, not the young (idealistic) professional woman looking to experience life beyond his comfortable and already discovered world.

I recognize that it’s impossible to be happy all of the time. Life intercedes and we have the inevitable road bumps to contend with on our journeys. These bumps can cause detours, which may involve a serious illness, a loss of a loved one, or a career issue. If we’re happy with ourselves — and have been true to our being, then these bumps are a bit easier to maneuver. Even if we’re alone, but happy with whom we’ve become, or at least pleased with the direction we’re traveling, the bumps are easier to handle.

Now it’s time to take out the trash — the messy, smelly garbage that we collect every day of our lives. When I say, “Everything else, just throw out with the garbage,” I speak metaphorically, of course. Trash signifies fights, arguments, and issues already dealt with...issues that are “supposedly” resolved. Mainly, I speak of the past. I hate to revisit ugly long ago issues, unless necessary to remind myself not to go there again. You know — history repeating itself and all that.

I’ve heard many people say, “never go to bed angry.” I say don’t keep the anger around longer than a week — no longer than your trash cycle. Of course, I’m speaking of issues that we’ve already put to bed in one way or another. Maybe we’ve dealt with an issue head-on; perhaps we avoided (or ignored) an issue because it didn’t matter to us at the time. Maybe a compromise was brokered. Whatever the issue, past or present, I don’t like bringing any trash to bed. I’ve found that mattresses can be lumpy and springs can rear up and poke us in the hiney when least expected. Instead of relying on our beds to temper our moods, or decide if we’re still angry or not, I suggest we put our trash out on the curb each week on our designated garbage pick-up day. The trash man cometh and the trash man taketh away.

Keep in mind that the trash man can only taketh away what we put out each week. That which we hold onto gets old, smelly and moldy. It creates an unhealthy lifestyle in unsanitary conditions. Garbage attracts flies and other nasty little critters. Only bacteria can thrive in these conditions — and we may lose the laughter if surrounded by too much bacteria. No laughter, then no happiness — and those road bumps loom larger than life ahead in the distance. They’re almost insurmountable.

The trash man comes by once a week. Sometimes we need this time to sweat over, stew over, cry over, whine over and ultimately resolve our issues. I never advise keeping trash around longer than a week. If you’re trash is particularly stinky, and you can’t wait for trash day, stick it in the freezer and let it “cool” off. I do this at least once a week. Then I retrieve my frozen trash, with hardly a thought about the contents, and toss it in the trash can on Friday morning. I try to get rid of all my trash in time for the weekend, because I know that come Monday I’ll have more trash. Occasionally though, I forget to retrieve something I’ve stored in the deep freeze — and I (or my husband) unwittingly pull it out later. A few times we’ve accidentally opened these frozen trash containers, not aware that they were unhealthy for consumption. Bad idea. The freezer is great for a cooling off period, but it also keeps things fresh. If you don’t want to start “re-hashing” that old corned beef you dealt with months ago, clearly write “TRASH” or “GARBAGE” on the outside of the container. If you’re not sure an issue has been resolved to your satisfaction, keep it on ice for awhile until you are certain. Just be sure to write a reasonable expiration date on the outside of the package. It’s not good to keep unresolved issues around indefinitely.

I’m not going to provide examples of what type of trash I throw out on the curb each week...or what cools off in my freezer. I’m careful about what I recycle. I think I’ll leave that to the professionals. I will remind you to choose wisely which trash to hold onto, and which trash to throw away. Before we toss something out on the curb, we need to make sure that we’re ready to let it go — and that it’s expendable. Some trash involves broken items. I've found that superglue can work wonders, and so can a little duct tape. Sometimes a temporary fix will work as a Band-Aid — allowing time to heal and promoting new and healthy growth.

I close with a final word of caution. Sometimes we throw away trash that is near and dear — and we have to live with the consequences. We can throw something away accidentally, or in the heat of a moment, and have regrets later. We need to gather our trash carefully. There’s a reason garage sales are so popular. There’s a reason a neighbor might covet (and even pick-up) something we've left out on the curb. We never can tell what (or whom) someone else might find appealing. It’s been said many times that one person’s trash is another person’s treasure. Sometimes “ex” marks the spot.

Time to run — the trash man cometh up the road and I need to empty my freezer. It’s been a wild few weeks, and my trash runneth over. It’s about time I take my own advice and put a few things out on the curb. I hope to do a lot of living, laughing and loving this weekend!

Dedicated to Celticlass, a devoted reader — thank you for throwing my words back at me. I tried my best to catch them all.

© 2006 Teresa G. Franta

Comments

Kacey said…
Darlin' Teri, I'm so happy that you reside in California instead of Florida. In the sunshine state, you can't put anything out by the curb, without somebody coming along and picking it up for another chance at life. When we are tossing out really personal trash, nobody should pick up our metaphorical "suitcase", because they might just bring it back in a disguised form.
We have reached a great patch of life, where my darling husband has finally accepted retirement and is a joy to be around. I had hoped it would happen and we are like we were in the beginning-- - only we don't have to get up so early any more. We have been through all the marital issues and decided that there is not enough life left to choose to battle on small hills.
Like you said, " Live, love, laugh and be happy"! By jove, I think we've got it!
(You might check my blog of today---it involves birth defects from drugs of the 50's, 60's and 70's)
Sideways Chica said…
Dear Kacey...so early chica...and it's quite late where you are. I haven't even finished editing! :)

Yes, in CA we also have trash mongers...but I figure that if they pick something up from my curb and it bites, then so be it, serves them right for being nosey parkers.

So glad you and you're husband bypass most of those small hills...I actually have an ariticle in the works titled, "Is that really the hill you want to die on?"

Ciao bella...by jove I think you've got it too! Enjoy sleeping in a bit and have a great week.

P.S. I'll pop over to the "oven" in a bit.
Anonymous said…
Stumbled across your blog. Teri you are a very wise woman. Another wise woman once said "Don't try to be anyone else, because it is spiritually and physically impossible to be anyone but yourself. Find your true self and find joy in who you are and who you were meant to be." Those are words I strive to live by. When you truely love yourself, you radiate it and the good energy is contagious to others.

I truely believe that laughter is the soul's song. There is nothing in the world more cleansing and powerful than a good belly laugh. Think about the last time you had one, didn't it feel good!

You're an excellent writer. I must end this comment now, I do believe I have a bag of trash to take to the curb. The trash man cometh, and the trash man will taketh away this bag for good.
Sideways Chica said…
Dear Regina...welcome and thank you for the kind words. You're comment is wonderful...your insight divine. I love these words...

"Find your true self and find joy in who you are and who you were meant to be."

As for the laughter, spot on again. Not much in life is better than that feeling we get from the "Belly Laugh."

I wish you many, many (many) belly laughs...and hope you get to the curb in time with that bag of trash! If not, there's always the freezer.

I post a new article every Friday...please feel free to come on back.

Ciao chica...enjoy the week.
Kelly said…
Excellent post!!
This treasury of thoughts you have should be mandatory reading for all who are contemplating marriage~ lol ~ or life for that matter. A very poignant point you make.
Your posts are such that while I'm reading I catch myself watching the bottom of the screen as I scroll down to read hoping that the end isn't coming and feeling disappointed when it does. I think that is a very good sign of the quality of writer you are. No, I KNOW it is.
Have a wonderful weekend,Teri!
B.S. said…
Dear Teri,
You gave me an idea. Remember that bonfire for which you were ready to light the match? Well, I'm still procrastinating, mainly because I haven't finished writing. Maybe the trash man can help me out with this. I'll just toss out what's already written. (I'll sneak it into a neighbor's trash container to throw off the mongers.) You have reminded me, in spades, that I have held on to this trash WAY too long!

Here's to living, laughing, loving and throwing out the rest.

Hugs,
Betty
Chris said…
Thank you, LLS. I've had more than one old issue rear its head recently, as well as old behaviors I'd thought I had changed. So, time for me to wrap all that up and toss it to the curb.

Another brilliant insight to start my weekend. I swear, if you ever stop doing this, I'm not going to know what to do with myself. ;)
Sideways Chica said…
Dear Kelly...back at you! Thank you for sharing how much you enjoy my musings. It makes it all worthwhile. I think that Celticlass did me a great favor in reminding me of my own motto.

Here's to living, laughing and loving...and to the trash man!

Ciao chica...have a great week!
Sideways Chica said…
Dear Betty...great idea, although I would have liked to light that match. Word of caution on the neighbor's trash can. You may want to do a little shredding first. Otherwise your private thoughts may end up on the best seller's list some day...without your bank account growing any larger. I can see it now..."Tarnished Brass: The Real Story Behind our Knights in Shining Armor." Plus, there's the movie rights as well - wouldn't want to miss out that either. ;)

Ciao bella...hope you and the child are on the road to healing. Big hug to you both!
Sideways Chica said…
Dear Chris (LLB)...you always make me smile. Thank you. It's a great start to my weekend as well.

The past is a funny thing - as in funny odd. Why is it that the bad past, not the good past, gets rewinded and played so much?

Here's to hitting the "play" button more often...as in today and tomorrow, not yesterday!

Have a great week Chris...Ciao!
Priyamvada_K said…
Dear Teri,
In my native language, there's a saying "If you keep finding faults, you won't have community". Meaning that we need to let small things go - to be able to have people/friends/well-wishers around us. Everybody makes mistakes, and at some point we learn from them. Holding onto grudges only drives people away.

So true about we being in charge of our own happiness. I like the way you put laughter before love, in chronological order. Someone who in the name of "love" looks to us to make them happy - ah, that's such an energy drain, Teri. They make you feel guilty for "making them unhappy" if you so much as want your space to recharge - or do something harmless that you want to do, and they don't.

Relationships among adults (friendship or romance) where one person is another's emotional "caretaker" are simply exhausting. The words 'suffocation' and 'claustrophobia' come to mind.

Priya.
Sideways Chica said…
Dear Priya...thank you for sharpening my point. I see that you know exactly what I mean.

Here's to finding less faults...and more community. I will remember your native phrase forever. Wonderful words in which to live by.

Ciao bella...be well and have a great week.
Sideways Chica said…
Just a note to all my readers: Blogger was down on my site for several hours today. If you left a message and it disappeared into cyberspace, please post again and I'll get back to you! Sorry for the inconvenience...I guess somebody at Blogger was too busy taking out their trash.

Ciao for now...
fjl said…
Great piece Terry. I am full of admiration for what you were able to say to the boyfriend you lost. I feel the same way though. I want to be the judge of what should make me happy, and I like it that there's fulfillment without having to depend on anyone. It's true men aren't too keen on that one. It doesn't really occur to them that it is a priority issue in our lives. If it does, they act like they think they should be awarded a bonus.
Ping! That's wrong. We, also, have interesting lives.
I have chucked things out in the trash that would have been far better kept. One has one's utterly foolish moments. Why do women feel so guilty about these moments? Men don't. They use the trash can as an excersise! :-)
I like it that your posts are never a dumping ground, and always bring comfort and a smile. x
Reach said…
Teri,
I have found this out. LOL
OK, for the fifth attempt- I hope this works, or I can remember what I wanted to say- again, LOL

Your post today, your words, have given much to me. I read your article and feel that I have/had been part of the conversation with the "ex", as I remember.
You have brought back to light, some issues that I need to re-address and hopefully not re-learn.
As usual, thank you.
Reach
Ps please critique my "Waves" post, as your opinion means this much to me. Also, I do wish you and your family the brightest and sunniest weekend.
Sideways Chica said…
Dear FJL...yes, I too have "chucked" out a few items I should have kept around a bit longer. Part of life's little lessons I guess. As for the Husband...he throws everything away. His, mine, and ours. Sometimes I have to go out and retrieve!

Thanks for the kind words. I admire your work and it means a lot to me that you get a bit of enjoyment here as well.

Ciao bella...enjoy your week.
Sideways Chica said…
Dear Reach...I am honored that you came back for the "sixth times" the charm. to post your comment.

I think we have all probably been in a relationship similar to the one I write about. Some people might be there now and not even know it. Hindsight is 20/20, isn't it?

You bet that I'll be over to check out your "wave." I haven't blogged around lately...too much going on in my tangible world right now.

Ciao buddy...have a great week. Enjoy the weather before it turns into June Gloom. ;)
Angel said…
Hey Teri!

I actually started doing a mental trash compacting a few years back on a nightly basis.

A letting go at the end of the day the things I can't change or have no control over and endevor to tackle the ones I do the next day.

I say it out loud and for me -- it works a treat.

Of course there was some stuff a couple years ago that required a fire in a sand pit in the back garden and the burning of sage to cleanse it all away.

An amazing rush of words came through my head during the process. Very liberating.

Hope you have a great weekend!

~ Dawn
Sideways Chica said…
How funny Angel (of the Dawn)...I just popped over to your place, then I was going to send you an email to "come out and play." Then I stopped here at home for a moment and you came by while I was over at your place. Glad you know where the cyberspace hide-a-key is hidden!

As for the "fire in a sand pit in the back garden and the burning of sage to cleanse it all away," I think I recall something about you and fires. (HA!) Must be very calming to the spirit. :)

Speaking of spirit (or rather spirits), isn't it time? Enjoy the Guinness chica and have a great weekend.
Sideways Chica said…
Dear Celticlass...it is I who should thank you. So, thank you. Your reminder of my motto was a good swift kick in the hiney. I needed that.

I'm glad the workplace is on the mend, and am honored that it some small way I might have been instrumental in calming the pending storm. Laughter is everything...and it is truly the best medicine for whatever ails the soul.

I hope you have a great weekend...I thought I was trash free today. Alas, the cans are on the curb, but due to Monday being a holiday they won't be emptied until tomorrow. Instead of worrying over this, I intend to add a few more things in the morning. ;)

Ciao bella...thanks again for throwing me a strike. (or should I say for calling "foul.")
Anonymous said…
Hi Teri.
Another great and well thought out post. Funny, my post today is about remorse....but of a different sort so I think I can (for the most part) leave what needs to be left at the curb.
You always give me inspiration. Thanks for that.


~K!
Sideways Chica said…
Dear Kismet...Guess I'm not the only one up late tonight! I'm glad you enjoyed my article. You give me inspiration. My readers challenge me. Thank you for being so supportive.

I'll head over to your place soon.

Ciao for now...have a great week. And don't forget to take the trash out.
Anonymous said…
Teri, your second paragraph hit quite close to home... I've often heard, "I just want to make you happy". It truly is, on one level, such a noble thought, to have someone love you so much that they want to dedicate their entire life to making you happy. So often, though, the price of this sort of relationship is that person who is trying to make someone else happy ends up being miserable themselves. I know that I am the one responsible for making myself happy, for finding the laughter that I need. I've known it for some time. In wanting to avoid hurting someone else (and wanting them to be happy), though, I've forgotten to take responsibility for my own trash. In this particular metaphor, each person has to put their own bags out at the curb. Someone else can NOT do it for you.

So, I'm going to spend the weekend cleaning, literally and metaphorically, gathering up my trash and sharing my laughter, saying, "I want to be happy with me, and I want to be happy with you, and I do not want you to try to make me happy."

Thank you for this reminder, Teri.

... and just to let you know, I did read last week, but can you believe I had trouble figuring out what to say? I'd planned to think about it some and come back later, but the next thing I knew, it was this morning, and I had this week's article to read.
Sideways Chica said…
Dear Raynwomaan...so true that we must throw away our own trash. As always you sharpen my point like so many of my readers. So true also what you say about those that try to make others happy - sometimes at the expense of their own happiness.

I'm glad you found the right words this week chica. Your "take" is one I always look forward to reading each week. I hope your plans for the weekend work out - literally and metaphorically!

Ciao bella...and don't go too long without that orange cake. Let me know how the lemon modification works out. I like lemon...
Shankari said…
Trash? What is that, I'm tempted to say. Gawd what an accumulation of it I carry with me! Need the trash person here- SOON. Hope I'm ready by then with the trash!
Sideways Chica said…
Dear Shankari...amazing how much trash we carry around in our daily lives, isn't it? Hope you get yesterday's trash out in time, because one thing is for sure - there will be more today.

Glad to have you back chica - trash and all! ;)

Ciao bella...enjoy the week.
Always a joy to read your post on Friday (or Saturday or... well, you get it).
Sideways Chica said…
Dear Juliemora...thank you chica. Yes, I "get it," and I thank you for letting me know.

Ciao bella...have a great week!
Sideways Chica said…
Dear J-Nee...welcome to my round table. Thank you also for the kind words. It sounds as if you have had to haul away a lot of trash in the last few years. I'm sorry you had to deal with such issues while you should have been allowed to grieve the loss of your soulmate.

I post a new article each Friday...I hope you come by again.

Ciao chica...keep your chin up, your trash at the curb and the dog and cat close by for that wonderful unconditional love and comfort we all need. ;)
Leann said…
I enjoyed the post and the analogy. Anything other type of comment escapes me..LOL
Debbie said…
sounds like someone has hit a huge personal "growth spurt" , wonderful that you share these things with us. Have a great week!!
Sideways Chica said…
Dear LeAnn...I'm happy you enjoyed the article and found my analogy amusing. I do need to ask though...did you take out all of your trash this week chica? :)

Ciao bella...have a great (trash-free) week.
Sideways Chica said…
Dear Debbie...you're welcome, but I'm not sure if it was a spurt or a gurgle. :)

Glad you came by and enjoyed. It's my readers that make it all worthwhile each week.

Ciao chica...enjoy your week.
Sideways Chica said…
Once again Blogger went Fubar...so if the outage caused any disappearing comments I apologoze. Feel free to post again, and again, and again...and I will get back to you. Whew! this is tiring.
Leann said…
Teri,

Actually I have realized over the past two weeks (at least) that I have alot of trash to haul curbside. It may require some extra $ on my part tho, cause some of these items have grown to gargantuan(sp?) proportions.
Sideways Chica said…
Dear LeAnn...thanks for the laugh...not at your expense, but with you chica. :)

Have a great night. Ciao.
Sideways Chica said…
Dear Blue Heron...back at you on the incredible part. You always have the perfect true-life story to complement my story. Thanks for sharing each week.

I'm so happy for this couple and that they were able to start their union trash-free. How special for you to be there and witness.

Ciao bella...have a great week and thanks for stopping by
Anonymous said…
Hey, Hi, Hello there. Point well taken. Have been applying the "no trash" concept. I think it's working pretty well. Thanks for putting such good advice in your column.
Love Ya,
Miz Prinny
Sideways Chica said…
Dear Mz. Prinny...it's good to hear from you again. Glad you've been taking out your trash on a regular basis chica. ;)

Take care...be well. Ciao bella.

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