The trash man cometh...

Someone recently reminded me of my motto: “Live...laugh...love. In that order. Everything else, just throw out with the garbage.” It seems as if I had forgotten my personal maxim for a few weeks and yes, I got into trouble. As I laughed at having my own words thrown back in my face, I thought about this motto and decided to clarify its meaning so that I will not so easily forget in the future — especially when one of life’s inevitable road bumps threatens to veer me off course again.

To begin with, let me explain the significance of “In that order.” In the beginning, we live. The laughter comes later. It comes from within. Finding the laughter is part of our journey. The laughter I speak of denotes happiness. To maintain a truly happy and successful relationship — be it friends or lovers — I believe that we must have some laughter in our lives. If we are happy with ourselves — who we are and in which direction we are traveling, then our happiness is infectious. I came to this conclusion one day (a thousand years ago) when a soon-to-be-ex told me that he hoped I would find someone to make me happy. His words baffled me, as I had never thought that I looked to him for happiness. It seems that he felt responsible that I was not happy with our relationship...that I was not happy with my life. I told him the fault was not his, but mine. You see, I knew that he was not happy with our relationship either. I knew that he was not happy with me because I had changed. I was moving in a direction that he couldn’t (or wouldn’t) understand. I’ll never forget that August afternoon, as I stood by my car in his driveway. I looked up at him and told him that I wasn’t looking for anyone to make me happy. I explained that I needed to be happy with myself first, before anyone else could be happy to be with me. I needed to order eggs the way I liked them cooked. I needed to see movies I enjoyed, and I needed to spend my rare down time doing what made me feel good — not all of the time, but at least some of time. I also told him that I needed to pursue a career path that fulfilled my sense of creativity. In other words, I needed to find my own happiness, not look for someone to make me happy...or entertain me. I didn’t wish to become an extension of someone else. I simply wished to be me. Speaking of wishes, I wished him happiness, then got in my car and drove away. Then I stopped at a little café I had been meaning to try for a long time. I ordered eggs benedict...my favorite egg dish.

Finding someone who’s happy with us (and who we are) is wonderful — but only if we’re happy with ourselves at the same time. When I met this special man, he was happy with me and so was I. The problem was that I was only 21-years old and just out of college. He was older. During the next six years by his side, I grew...I matured...I changed. I see now that he longed for the young college coed he fell in love with, not the young (idealistic) professional woman looking to experience life beyond his comfortable and already discovered world.

I recognize that it’s impossible to be happy all of the time. Life intercedes and we have the inevitable road bumps to contend with on our journeys. These bumps can cause detours, which may involve a serious illness, a loss of a loved one, or a career issue. If we’re happy with ourselves — and have been true to our being, then these bumps are a bit easier to maneuver. Even if we’re alone, but happy with whom we’ve become, or at least pleased with the direction we’re traveling, the bumps are easier to handle.

Now it’s time to take out the trash — the messy, smelly garbage that we collect every day of our lives. When I say, “Everything else, just throw out with the garbage,” I speak metaphorically, of course. Trash signifies fights, arguments, and issues already dealt with...issues that are “supposedly” resolved. Mainly, I speak of the past. I hate to revisit ugly long ago issues, unless necessary to remind myself not to go there again. You know — history repeating itself and all that.

I’ve heard many people say, “never go to bed angry.” I say don’t keep the anger around longer than a week — no longer than your trash cycle. Of course, I’m speaking of issues that we’ve already put to bed in one way or another. Maybe we’ve dealt with an issue head-on; perhaps we avoided (or ignored) an issue because it didn’t matter to us at the time. Maybe a compromise was brokered. Whatever the issue, past or present, I don’t like bringing any trash to bed. I’ve found that mattresses can be lumpy and springs can rear up and poke us in the hiney when least expected. Instead of relying on our beds to temper our moods, or decide if we’re still angry or not, I suggest we put our trash out on the curb each week on our designated garbage pick-up day. The trash man cometh and the trash man taketh away.

Keep in mind that the trash man can only taketh away what we put out each week. That which we hold onto gets old, smelly and moldy. It creates an unhealthy lifestyle in unsanitary conditions. Garbage attracts flies and other nasty little critters. Only bacteria can thrive in these conditions — and we may lose the laughter if surrounded by too much bacteria. No laughter, then no happiness — and those road bumps loom larger than life ahead in the distance. They’re almost insurmountable.

The trash man comes by once a week. Sometimes we need this time to sweat over, stew over, cry over, whine over and ultimately resolve our issues. I never advise keeping trash around longer than a week. If you’re trash is particularly stinky, and you can’t wait for trash day, stick it in the freezer and let it “cool” off. I do this at least once a week. Then I retrieve my frozen trash, with hardly a thought about the contents, and toss it in the trash can on Friday morning. I try to get rid of all my trash in time for the weekend, because I know that come Monday I’ll have more trash. Occasionally though, I forget to retrieve something I’ve stored in the deep freeze — and I (or my husband) unwittingly pull it out later. A few times we’ve accidentally opened these frozen trash containers, not aware that they were unhealthy for consumption. Bad idea. The freezer is great for a cooling off period, but it also keeps things fresh. If you don’t want to start “re-hashing” that old corned beef you dealt with months ago, clearly write “TRASH” or “GARBAGE” on the outside of the container. If you’re not sure an issue has been resolved to your satisfaction, keep it on ice for awhile until you are certain. Just be sure to write a reasonable expiration date on the outside of the package. It’s not good to keep unresolved issues around indefinitely.

I’m not going to provide examples of what type of trash I throw out on the curb each week...or what cools off in my freezer. I’m careful about what I recycle. I think I’ll leave that to the professionals. I will remind you to choose wisely which trash to hold onto, and which trash to throw away. Before we toss something out on the curb, we need to make sure that we’re ready to let it go — and that it’s expendable. Some trash involves broken items. I've found that superglue can work wonders, and so can a little duct tape. Sometimes a temporary fix will work as a Band-Aid — allowing time to heal and promoting new and healthy growth.

I close with a final word of caution. Sometimes we throw away trash that is near and dear — and we have to live with the consequences. We can throw something away accidentally, or in the heat of a moment, and have regrets later. We need to gather our trash carefully. There’s a reason garage sales are so popular. There’s a reason a neighbor might covet (and even pick-up) something we've left out on the curb. We never can tell what (or whom) someone else might find appealing. It’s been said many times that one person’s trash is another person’s treasure. Sometimes “ex” marks the spot.

Time to run — the trash man cometh up the road and I need to empty my freezer. It’s been a wild few weeks, and my trash runneth over. It’s about time I take my own advice and put a few things out on the curb. I hope to do a lot of living, laughing and loving this weekend!

Dedicated to Celticlass, a devoted reader — thank you for throwing my words back at me. I tried my best to catch them all.

© 2006 Teresa G. Franta